The Moon's Dark Side
by Forever without him
Summary: What would you do if the one person you loved, the one person you trusted, and the only happiness you had ever known, left you alone and heartbroken? Leah Clearwater had the answer to that. Screw you world! I’m out! Rated M for language and dark tones.
1. Fuck You World

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "Twilight" or its characters. They belong to Stephenie Meyer. Please don't sue...yada, yada, yada...

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**A/N: **_The only reason I'm doing this short story is because I like to challenge myself as a writer. I have a hard time doing sappy depressing pieces. I've always dealt with my angst through laughter and sarcasm. So it was difficult for me to go to this dark and emo-ish place._

_I know the first two chapters are long, but I've always been one to take my time with writing. It's completely different than the last story that I wrote (The Dawn Was Already Broken). This one's much darker. Just a fair warning to you._

_

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_**Prelude:** Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't care if I was branded a sissy for life. How could I _not_ cry? I was _watching_ my sister die. Panic. Complete and utter panic. She was dying, and I couldn't do a damn thing. I was helpless. This completely sucked.

_

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_

**Chapter 1:**

**Fuck you, World!  
**

"Leah? Are you almost done?" Seth pounded on the door.

"Leave me alone, Seth!" I snapped angrily at my fourteen-year-old brother.

"What's your problem? Stop hogging the bathroom. I've really gotta pee!"

"Then go find a jar."

He let out an aggravated grunt as he stormed down the hallway. I laughed. Leave it to my brother to act like a four-year-old baby who didn't get his way. I wouldn't expect him to understand. I was in agonizing pain.

Nothing could compare to the heartache that I had been dealing with for the past year. I still vividly recall the day that Sam broke my heart. When Sam broke _me_. He'd sat me down and gone on about nonsensical crap that I didn't understand. He discussed destiny, true love, and soul-mates. I just stared at him with my mouth half open in shock.

"What are you saying, Sam?" I had swallowed a knot in my throat.

"I'm saying that we aren't meant to be." The words stung. I would have much preferred that he shove a steak-knife directly in my heart.

"How…how can you say that? What did I do wrong?" Of course it was my fault. What _wasn't_ my fault?

Sam shook his head.

"You didn't do anything wrong." He put his hands on my cheeks. I was doing the best I could to choke back the tears. I put my hand on top of his. The heat was burning my face. Sam's skin had always been warm to my touch.

"But…you're leaving me?" I squeaked out.

"Leah, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Sam looked like he was about to cry. Why should he be sad? He wasn't the one getting his heart broken. "I…I love someone else."

If I thought it were possible I would have assumed that my heart _actually_ tore into pieces when he said that. I could not only feel the rip, I could _hear_ it. He went on to explain about my cousin, Emily. She had apparently _opened_ his eyes to some bullshit love. How could two people that I loved do this to me? Sam apologized over and over. He stumbled over his words. He told me that he never meant to hurt me.

My breathing increased as I started to hyperventilate.

"Does this have anything to do with why you disappeared last month?"

He sighed, but at least he was honest. "It has _everything_ to do with that...and more…"

"Why? What happened to you?"

He wouldn't tell me. He just stared ahead and zoned out. Aw, so breaking my heart was tough for him. Well, poor freakin' Sam. I think that's when I let the bitter Leah take over. He sat there while I bitched at him. He _let_ me bitch at him. And I had run myself out of steam to the point where all I could do was weep like a little sissy.

"One day you'll understand," Sam said as he stood up. He glanced to the door. I guess he wanted to get to an exit before I killed him.

"Do you not love me anymore?" I asked. He looked down, refusing to answer. I grabbed his hand roughly and pulled on it. "Tell me you don't love me anymore."

"I won't tell you that." Sam finally shook his head. "But I will say that I don't see you in the same light anymore." He gave me the 'let's still be friends' speech. I hissed at him to leave.

That was a year ago. A year to the day. A couple of weeks ago Emily asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. At first the only thing I could think was, _Are you freaking kidding me_? She had the _nerve_ to ask me that?

But I decided that fighting it wasn't going to do any good. My mom would make me do it anyway. So I'd said yes.

Ah, yes. There's nothing like a wedding to make you realize how alone you really are. How was I going to get through it? Watching all the happy little couples doting on each other affectionately. Rubbing it in my fucking face that I had no one.

I slammed the cabinet door and huffed angrily, _I am unwanted._ As I stood here in the bathroom staring at the circles under my eyes I couldn't even muster up a whimper. Sam didn't want me anymore. I must be unlovable. Because Sam and I were meant to be. Having your soul-mate tell you that he's in love with your cousin hurts. A lot.

Even though we had been apart for a year now I could still recall the break up like it was yesterday. I remember crying after he left. I remember curling up into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably. I remember how I had stayed like that until my mother found me. When I saw the panicked look on her face I decided that I didn't want anyone to worry about me. So I had been going along like everything was fan-fucking-tastic. I was putting on that brave face so I wouldn't have to deal with everyone's pity around me. But I couldn't stand to lie anymore. Lying to those around me was easy. But I couldn't lie to myself anymore. If Sam didn't want me then no one could have me.

I'd been thinking about this ever since Emily told me that she and Sam were getting married. Of course, it was still pretty far away. Emily wanted to have a long engagement. For what reason I couldn't say.

But when I saw the ring on her finger my heart broke again. I couldn't continue to face my heartbreak. But what other option did I have?

That's what I was standing here debating to myself about right now. I didn't want to feel my heartbreak anymore, so the only logical thing to do was to take out the source of my pain. And since I would never dream of hurting Sam and Emily, I had to stop my heart from pumping. Because that was the only way to get rid of the pain. To kill it. But how should I do it? What would be the easiest way to get out of this hellhole?

I heard my mom and dad laughing downstairs. I sighed. This would be hard for them. I had thought that far in advance. It would be difficult for my parents. And maybe even my soft-hearted little brother. But no one else would give a crap. Ever since I graduated high school I hadn't seen any of my friends. They all moved on to bigger and better things. And here I was locked in my parents' bathroom contemplating how to off myself.

Mom and dad's laughter echoed the house again. Maybe it would be easier on them if I just left a note stating that I was running away. Then maybe I could use the woods for cover and just slice my wrists out there. Or maybe I could just swallow a bunch of pills and go to sleep in the rain. That sounded like the easiest thing to do. And it wouldn't be as messy to clean up. I huffed. As if keeping it clean would actually matter. And freezing to death didn't seem like a bad way to go. Plus if I froze to death then I would still be able to donate my organs. I let out a sour laugh. I felt bad for the SOB that wound up with my heart. The poor sucker would end up with a heart more messed up than the one they originally had. I could just see some sixty-year-old transplant recipient calling his nurse, "Um...excuse me, can I get my old busted heart back please? This one is too damn depressing..."

I slunk out of the bathroom and into my room. I laid on my bed contemplating whether or not I really wanted to go through with this. The rain was really coming down out there tonight. I walked over to my window and cracked it. The cold air nearly took my breath away. Yes, tonight would be a perfect night to die.

After putting a little more thought into it I decided that I would take a cold shower first. That way my body temperature would already be low, so it wouldn't take me as long to freeze. Seth was pissed when I took over the bathroom again. But I wasn't in there very long this time. I stood in the shower and let the cold droplets roll down my back. After a while my teeth started to chatter uncontrollably. I threw a towel around myself and made a mad dash for my bedroom. I had left my window open, so the room was filled with freezing air. I could see my breath as I pulled on a shirt and some exercise shorts. I sure as hell didn't want to die naked. Like I wanted my tits to be the cover page for the next ten years?

Looking out the window I noticed that the rain had turned to a heavy snow.

"Excellent." The fates were working with me tonight. Guess I really was destined to die.

In the end I decided that with the snow I wouldn't need much else to kill me. All I had to do was go outside in my underwear and I'd freeze to death rather quickly.

I scribbled a note to my parents. All it said was, "I've gotta get out of here for a while. I love you" and then I gingerly climbed out my window. I let my bare feet hit the snow that was covering the ground.

I screamed in my head, _Holy shit, that's freaking freezing_! But I knew that with nothing covering my feet my body temperature wouldn't stay normal very long. I had barely gotten out of my yard by the time I'd lost feeling in my toes. I turned around and looked at my house one last time and let out a sigh.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

I pushed myself to keep going even when I couldn't feel anything below my knees anymore. My hands were trembling so badly that the movement from watching them was causing me to get motion sickness. I had gone at least a couple of miles into the woods. But I had to keep going. It still wasn't far enough away. I wanted to make sure that if anyone came looking for me, they wouldn't find me in time.

After another hour of walking my chest started to feel heavy. I finally gave up. I couldn't go any further. I was way past sluggish. I slid down against a tree and let out a sigh. My entire body was numb. At this rate I wouldn't have to wait very long for the sweet release of death. I couldn't wait until my heart, like my fingers and toes, went numb. Then I wouldn't have to hurt over Sam Uley anymore. I glanced at my feet. They were cut and bleeding from all of the walking I had been doing. My eyes started to burn as the wind picked up.

As I shivered in the cold dark forest I thought about my life. My entire life I had never had anyone to care about…until Sam. He made me love life. But like everything else in my life...that wasn't going to last. Some people are never meant to have friends...or love. Some people were meant to be alone forever.

I sighed. I was born alone. And so it was only fitting that I should die alone.

* * *

**Seth's POV:**

My life was kind of in the crapper at the moment. I was constantly getting ragged on in school for being such a nice guy. And home life wasn't much better. Leah pretty much did everything she could to make my life a living hell. It's what big sister's do I suppose. I couldn't hate her for being angry. The thing with Sam was kind of a raw deal for her. When he broke up with her she turned into a bitter angry shrew. And even though she took some of her misplaced rage out on me I still wanted to beat the shit out of Sam Uley for hurting my sister. And one of these days...after I gained like forty pounds of muscles and a set of testicles...I just might do that.

I fell back on to my bed, bored as hell. Ever since Jacob stopped wanting to hang out I didn't really have much of a life. It was the same thing every night. TV, dinner with my parents and Leah…if she so felt like gracing us with her presence, and then I'd disappear into my room and either play video games or read comic books.

Hmm, which would it be tonight? After a moment I decided that I was a little tired of the same old video games. I could beat them all with my eyes closed at this point. I pulled out a stack of comic books and started to thumb through them. I sighed. Leah was right. I was a loser. It was a Friday night, and I was sitting at home reading comic books. I could hear my sister's voice in the back of my head taunting me, _"You are a NERD!"_

There was a knock at my door.

"It's open." I really should consider locking my door. It's a good thing these weren't nudie magazines. I couldn't imagine the shock on my mother's face if she found her precious little baby boy drooling over centerfolds of hot naked women. _Hold that thought for a later date_. I nodded to myself.

My father peered in. "What are you up to?"

_Being a worthless loser because my only friend is acting all menopausal._ Jacob's mood swings were completely irrational these days. I couldn't figure out what was going on with him. I knew he was spending a lot of time with the Swan girl lately. And I didn't blame him. She _was_ pretty cute.

"Just glancing over some old comics."

He winked at me. "That's my boy." He got all excited and started babbling on about some of the comics that he'd read growing up. Okay, so _he_ was to blame for my "nerd" gene. _Thanks, dad. Couldn't I have just inherited diabetes or something else from you instead?_

As he was standing up to leave I saw him scratch his head. "Oh, I almost forgot about the reason I came in here."

_To mock me for having absolutely no life?_

"Have you seen your sister?" he questioned.

The question caught me off-guard. Wasn't Leah in her room drawing pictures of Sam headless and dying on the ground? That's usually how she spent her Friday evenings. I seldom heard her crying anymore. At first it was hard for me to deal with my sister's pain. I'd much rather have her screaming at me and calling me an idiot. I didn't do well when girls cried. I got all freaked out and didn't know what to do.

"Haven't seen her in a few hours. She was hogging the bathroom," I explained. I saw my dad's face crinkle with worry. "Why? What is it? Is something wrong?"

His face went back to normal as he let out a smile. "No. Nothing to be overly-concerned about. You know Leah. She likes to cause drama…"

Boy, did she ever. I rolled my eyes. No one could throw a tantrum like my nineteen-year-old sister.

"Your mother and I are just a little worried about her. She left a note in her room about leaving for a little while. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

I had no idea what went on in Leah's brain. I don't think that _Leah_ knew what was going on in Leah's brain.

"Nope. She's probably just blowing off some steam."

"That's what I said. But I think your mother would feel better if someone went out to look for her…"

"And?"

"You know her better than we do." Not _that_ much better. "We figured you would know where she might go."

"You want _me_ to go after her?" I questioned.

"If you don't have any other plans." Of course I didn't have any other plans. It had already been established that I was a _LOSER_!

Why the hell was he asking me to do this? He was the man of the house. I sighed. Lately his heart hadn't been faring too well. If someone had to go sludge through the snow to look for my bratty sister, I guess I was the perfect candidate. Whoop-dee-do for being young and healthy.

I looked at my clock. It was 8:00. What better way to spend the start of my weekend than going on a wild goose chase in the snow after my punk sister?

"Sure. Why not?" I made my way to the phone. If I had to go out searching for Leah I didn't really feel like doing it alone.

I dialed a number. I hadn't seen Jake in a while. I had to wonder if he had plans. He probably did…with Bella. But at this point I wasn't going to be picky. I'd tell him to bring her along. Whatever. As long as I didn't have to brave the cold alone.

It rang forever. I was about to give up when I finally heard a husky voice answer.

"Jake?" I questioned. He sounded different. Older. More full of angst.

"What's up, Seth?" His tone stayed flat.

"How've you been? I haven't seen you in weeks."

"I've been busy," he said. It sounded like he was angry.

"Oh. Okay. Well, uh, you haven't seen Leah by any chance, have you?"

"No."

"Cuz she took off and my mom and dad are worried…"

He cut me off, "I got my own problems, kid." Wow, he was in a crappy mood tonight.

"Oh." I looked down at my feet. What was his problem lately? "Well I'm going to go look for Leah and I just thought it might be more enjoyable with some company or something…"

Jacob sighed, "Sorry. I didn't mean to be snappy with you. It's just…there's a lot going on lately."

"Anything I can help with?" I didn't like to hear Jacob so worn down.

He was quick to respond.

"No! No, you _can't_ help." He said that like he didn't want me involved in whatever he was up to.

"Fine. Forget it. I'm going to find my sister," I snapped.

"Seth, wait..."

"Yeah?"

"If you don't want to go alone…" Well, he had killed my idea of wanting to go with him. I would much rather Jacob not come if he was going to keep up this attitude.

"No. I get it. You're busy with your own life," I said. I could be a jerk, too.

"I'll give Embry a call." Jacob was still being an asshole.

"Great. Bye."

"Bye." _Click_. He hung up pretty damn fast. I wonder if he would even call Embry. He didn't seem very interested in what was going on in the Clearwater household. I tried not to let it bother me. I threw on some warm clothes and walked out the door.

I made my way to Embry Call's place a few blocks away. Even with the snow coming down as hard as it was I could _still_ see Embry's place from a mile away. His mother was very crafty when it came to decorating her yard.

Just as I was getting ready to knock on the front door it opened. I stood there with my hand still in a fist ready to knock on the door. I undid the fist and waved.

"Hey, Embry." Holy shit. He had gone through one hell of a growth spurt. I looked like a puny midget next to him.

"Oh, Seth. Hi." He looked confused...and a little annoyed. "I was just on my way to your place…" Well, he sure wasn't _dressed_ for this kind of weather. The only thing he had on was a pair of sweatpants. He was practically naked. How was he _not_ freezing his ass off? The wind blew and I got chilled. I shivered.

"So, you're going to help me look for Leah?"

Embry nodded. "Let's go."

"Uh, aren't you forgetting something? Like…clothes?" I questioned.

"I've been running a fever lately. I'm hot." Embry shrugged.

"At least put on a shirt. You're making _me_ cold," I complained. _Plus, I don't feel like staring at your damn chest for two hours._

"Fine." He disappeared and then reappeared a few minutes later wearing a shirt.

Embry and I walked in silence for almost half an hour. He looked so different. And he was acting weird, too. It's like he had become a completely different person. It was actually a little scary. It reminded me of the way Jake was acting.

"Hey, do you know what's up with Jacob lately? He's been really moody."

"I haven't noticed," Embry said. That was a lie. I wish he would have just been honest with me. Embry couldn't lie. And when he did he looked like a jackass.

"Right. So, the mood swings are all in my head?" I questioned.

"He's a sixteen-year-old guy. We're moody." Embry played it off coolly.

"Yeah, but it just seems like it's more than that. Ever since you guys started hanging out with Sam…"

Embry stopped me.

"Don't talk about this, Seth. You don't know the first thing about the situation. Trust me." So, he was admitting there _was_ a situation?

"You guys can trust me," I said quietly. I hated not being in on secrets.

"We couldn't say anything even if we wanted to." Embry let out a bitter laugh.

I huffed angrily and shoved my hands into my pockets as far as they would go. I knew I was way too old to be sulking about this, but I didn't care.

We walked a few more minutes in silence and then I whined, "Can't you just give me a _little_ hint?"

But Embry wasn't paying attention to me anymore. Something else had caught his attention. I looked around, but didn't see anything. I looked at Embry. He was bright and alert. His head was angled up as if he was sniffing the air. What was he? A dog or something?

"Embry, what is…"

"This way." Embry didn't even let me finish as he broke into a jog. I ran along after him through some trees.

When he stopped I nearly bowled him over. I quickly stepped to his side and my heart jumped into my chest. There was a lump leaning up against a tree. But it wasn't just a lump. It was a person.

Leah was covered in snow. I ran over to her. Embry followed.

"Leah?" I questioned. I breathed a sigh of relief as she looked up at me angrily. Still my pissy sister and not a dead body. That was a plus. But the moment I took a closer look I could see that she wasn't in good shape. The snow around her feet was stained a light red color from all of the scrapes on her legs.

"How long did you say she's been missing?" Embry asked calmly. How could he be so calm about what was going on?

"I don't know. A couple hours maybe?" I guessed. I tried to think about how long it had been since we were yelling at each other at the house. I'd seen her close to five. She had skipped dinner tonight, though. Had she been sitting out here for four hours freezing to death while I read comic books at home?

"She doesn't look so hot." Embry bit his bottom lip in concern. He looked around the woods as if he were searching for something.

"Damn it, Leah! Get your ass off of the ground right now!" I grabbed her arm and tried to get her to stand up. When I touched her I realized just _how_ cold she was. She felt like a giant block of ice. I leaned down as I softened my tone. "Leah?" I felt her cheeks. They were frozen. It was then that I realized that she was in serious trouble. She was shivering. I knew it didn't have a thing to do with the cold weather. Her body was shutting down.

She was so weak she could barely even form a response. Her voice was distant as she moaned to me. "Go away, Seth."

Jesus. Her fucking lips were blue. I started to freak out. I didn't want my sister to die. I shook her to see just how coherent she was.

"Hey, look at me, Leah!"

She groaned as she opened her eyes long enough to look at me. The glance wasn't long. I saw her eyes roll back in to her head.

"Oh, no. No, you are not going to do this to me. Wake up!" I panicked as I took her shoulders and shook her again. This time she didn't respond. My heart started to race as I looked up at Embry. "Embry, can you go get my mom and dad?" I was fighting total mental breakdown here. I had to keep some kind of brain-capacity. I had to keep my sister alive. I quickly tore off my jacket and put it around her exposed arms. She groaned uncomfortably. Her hands were purple. I took them in mine and tried to warm them up.

He shook his head. "We don't have time for that." He looked around again. What the hell was he looking for? "I'll be right back. Keep her warm." Embry jogged away.

"Where the hell are you going, man? My sister is dying!"

"I'm going for help!" I heard Embry call out to me as he disappeared into the woods.

Leah was completely out. I could see her muscles twitching as she succumbed to the cold weather. I did the only thing I could thing of. I crawled next to her and wrapped myself around her. I don't know how much good I was going to do. I was frozen stiff myself. Out of habit I started rocking back and forth gently. If Leah were conscious she would probably be making fun of me by saying something like, _"What are you? A mother rocking her infant child to sleep? Grow a pair, you sissy"_ Oh, what I wouldn't give for my sister to be nagging me and teasing me at this very moment.

"Please hold on, Leah," I begged.

I was surprised when I got a response, "S…seth?" she stuttered. So she wasn't unconscious yet.

"Just hang on. Embry went for help." I hugged my sister tightly. I was freaking the fuck out.

Her words were jumbled as she mumbled, "D…don't want t-t-to…" She shivered. "I-I-I'm sorry."

What the hell was she apologizing for? It's not her fault that her body couldn't handle extreme temperatures.

"D-d-don't tell S-s-sam." As Leah slipped into unconsciousness again, I sat there like a grade-A moron. I had no clue what to do.

I heard a low howl in the distance. Great, as if this night wasn't bad enough already. Now we were going to get eaten by wolves. I had never been a religious person, but as I watched my sister slowly slipping away I closed my eyes and whimpered out, "Please don't take her from me..."

Another howl.

I pulled Leah closer to me and continued to hope against hope that miracles really did exist.


	2. Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it wil

**Chapter 2:**

**Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong...it will  
**

I looked around. Where the hell was Embry? Leah wasn't going to make it much longer in this weather. I thought about my options. If I wasn't still such a puny little thing I would have just picked her up and carried her home. But I knew I wouldn't last for long trying to lug my sister home with my sorry-ass excuse for muscles. I could always go for help and leave her here, but I didn't want her to be alone…just in case…

I stopped my thoughts. _She's not going to die, Seth. She's not going to die_. I told myself.

A few minutes later Embry returned. I looked behind him expecting to see some kind of calvary. For some reason he was not wearing his shirt. He obviously didn't feel the need to explain as he rushed back over to us.

"Help's on the way. Let me take over. I'm naturally warm-blooded." Embry shoved me aside.

_Duh. All mammals are warm blooded, Embry._ But since my teeth were chattering and Embry was half-naked and not even flinching I let him take my place.

Leah was getting worse. Her trembling had stopped completely, which I took as a bad sign.

Embry grunted to himself, "Where the hell are they?" He looked around impatiently. "Screw it. We need to get her indoors." And with one swoop Embry lifted Leah off of the ground and into his arms. Any other day I would have grumbled to myself and acted all jealous about how easily he had done that. But right now I had more important matters on my mind. We started walking…well, nearly running. I had a hard time keeping up with him.

Embry had Leah huddled against his bare chest as he ran. I choked back vomit when I saw how lifeless she was.

By the time we were half-way out of the woods we ran in to Sam and his friend Jared. They were shirtless, too. Since when was it cool to run around in zero degree weather with no clothes? Did no one know how to do laundry in this fucking town? Embry lowered his eyes at them angrily. I could see the shock on their faces when they saw Leah.

"You didn't tell us it was this bad," Jared said stiffly.

"I told you it was serious," Embry snorted.

I glanced at Embry. What possessed him to call Sam? Of all people? If Leah were conscious she would be reaming Embry out. It was hard for me not to, but since he was the only thing keeping my sister from turning into a giant popsicle, I suppressed my rage.

Sam walked over to us and put his hand up to Leah's cheek. "Leah?"

I felt my hand ball up into an automatic fist when I saw Sam's hand make contact with Leah's skin.

I growled silently, _Don't you fucking touch my sister._ He had lost his right to touch her when he broke her heart. Since Leah wasn't conscious to defend herself, _someone_ needed to. Embry took a step back forcing Sam to drop his hand.

Sam glanced at him. Embry shook his head. "She's out."

Sam looked at Leah's bloody feet. I imagine the look on his face is the same shocked expression that I'd had when we'd first stumbled upon her. Hell, I was probably still wearing that expression.

"How long has she been out here?" Sam questioned.

"I don't know," Embry said. "We just found her like this." He looked at Sam with a fury that I didn't understand. It almost looked like he was _blaming_ Sam for this. "Still think it's wise to keep secrets?"

Jared was quick to defend Sam. I still wasn't sure for what. "We don't know…"

"The hell we don't," Embry snarled. "She's out in the middle of a damn blizzard in shorts and a T-shirt. If she makes it through this you have to tell her…"

"I can't. And you won't, either." Sam's voice was booming.

"This is bullshit. She needs to know…"

"She needs to know _what_?" I glanced at Sam. What was Embry talking about?

"That's not important right now." Sam shook his head. He extended his arms and looked at Embry. "Give her to me…"

Finally I spoke up.

"No. Don't fucking touch her, Sam." I threatened him with a fist.

"I understand that you're upset, Seth…"

"I'm beyond upset!" I growled. "You, Embry, and Jake...you're all acting weird and keeping secrets. And no one will tell me what is going on. And now my sister is out here dying. So I am _beyond_ upset. I am fucking _pissed_!" Rarely did I use the f-word. It just sounded so…vulgar. I had oftentimes teased Leah by telling her that only people who had no creativity cussed. She usually just called me a fuckhead and then threw something at me.

I heard Leah whimper in her unconsciousness, and I completely let my anger go. Now I was back to freaking out.

"Jacob and Paul are at Emily's. I told them we were on our way," Sam said. "Though, they don't know the extent of how bad it is…" Had we really traveled that far away from my house? If we were close to Emily's place then Leah must have walked for _hours_ before collapsing. And when the hell had Sam talked to Emily? How could she possibly know we were on our way? And how did Jacob and Paul know? I frowned. I didn't know much about Paul. Just that he was a jerk. I couldn't understand why Sam wanted to involve him in this.

Embry started jogging again. The rest of us followed. I huffed and puffed. I don't know how they were doing it. The cold air was burning my lungs. I snapped angrily at myself. I was such a baby sometimes.

When we reached Emily's house Jacob was waiting at the front door. He inhaled a sharp breath when he saw my sister.

"Jesus Christ," he said breathlessly. When we got inside the house Jacob shut the door behind us. Now that we had some light I could see how pale Leah looked.

"Hey, Emily's got a warm bath running and…" Paul walked into the living room and stopped mid-stride, "...she needs to go to a hospital, Sam."

"No shit." The snide comment escaped my lips.

"We need to get her stabilized first," Sam said. He turned to Jared. "Do me a favor. Have Emily call her parents. Tell them we found her, but don't scare them." Well, that was a bit redundant. How could my parents _not_ freak when they heard about the condition she was in? It only took me half a second to figure out that Sam wasn't planning on telling my parents for their benefit. He was trying to keep Emily from freaking out. Having her call my parents was actually kind of brilliant in a way. It killed two birds with one stone: keep Emily occupied, and update my mom and dad. Sam could see the wheels turning in my head.

"I don't want Emily to see her like this," he said softly. Jared disappeared to keep Emily occupied.

"Is she going to be okay?" I found myself asking a stupid question. Like they knew the answer to that? Paul was right. We needed to get her to the emergency room.

"We need to get her out of her wet clothes." Embry laid her down on the couch. She looked completely helpless. I had never seen her look that way. It terrified me.

"Paul, grab the thermometer out of the closet." Sam agreed. They were able to get her out of her wet clothing and wrapped in a warm blanket. I still didn't understand what we were doing here. We needed to get her somewhere that could pump her full of warm fluids and monitor her temperature. My thoughts were screaming at me.

_Why the hell haven't we called 911_?

"Should we put her in the warm bath now?" Jacob questioned. I'd never heard his voice sound so meek and scared.

Sam shook his head. "We don't want to warm her up too fast. It will send her body into shock." He was using his body heat to try and warm her up. He had her cuddled in a blanket and was clutching her tightly. I really wanted to hit him, because he shouldn't be able to do this with Leah. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

Since when was he a doctor? I glared at Sam. I wanted someone with a PhD to be taking my sister's temperature. Not him. When the thermometer beeped I saw Sam's face spasm in a panic.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's very low."

"Obviously." I rolled my eyes. "How low are we talking here? Ninety-one? Ninety?"

"Eighty-six."

Shit. I was no doctor, but that sounded bad. _Really_ bad.

"Okay, I'm calling the paramedics." Jacob wasn't going to sit here and do nothing any longer. _Finally_, someone was being sensible.

Before Jacob could get out of the room Embry noticed something rather important.

"Sam…"

I saw Sam's face blanch. Something was wrong.

"She's not breathing." He gently laid her down on the sofa.

I was by her side an instant later.

"Leah? Oh, fuck. Leah!" I don't think I was breathing either. My body had entered the "shock" phase. Or, as I liked to refer to it, the "let me stand around with a stupid look on my face" phase. I just watched like an idiot as Sam felt for Leah's pulse.

"Damn it." Sam had obviously not felt her heartbeat. He moved her to the floor. I was guessing it would be easier to do CPR there.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't care if I was branded a sissy for life. How could I _not_ cry? I was watching my sister die. Panic. Complete and utter panic. She was dying, and I couldn't do a damn thing. I was helpless. This completely sucked.

"Come on, Leah. Don't do this." I think it was Jacob's voice. I don't know. I was too focused on her face.

I heard Sam counting the compressions, but otherwise my mind was a fog. What if tonight was the last night that I was going to see my sister alive? I felt nauseated.

"Still nothing." Jacob again.

"Don't you die. Do you hear me?" Sam sounded like he was giving orders. "Do you understand? You're not done yelling at me yet." He pumped her chest. He didn't look up at Jacob as he posed the question, "How long has she been down?"

"Couple of minutes, maybe." Jacob didn't sound so sure.

Oh, God. This was really happening. This was my nightmare. Jacob looked at me and saw that I was barely holding it together.

"Hey, stay focused, Seth," Jacob ordered.

Sam looked up between compressions and offered a suggestion. "Take her hand."

"What?" I asked.

"Take her goddamn hand! Talk to her! Tell her she's not alone!" Even though I felt like I should be pissed at Sam for ordering me around...I did what he said.

I stuttered out a couple of "uhhs" and "umms." I didn't know what to say. All of the color had disappeared from her face. As I watched her slipping away I thought about how much I loved her. Sure, we bitched at each other all of the time, but she was always there for me. And the one time that I needed to be there for her, I couldn't. I felt like a crummy brother.

"Please don't leave me," I begged.

"Sam…" It sounded like Paul this time. His voice was trembling. There was an unfortunate surrender underlying his tone.

"No," Sam growled. He wasn't going to give up. And for that, I was thankful. He pushed her to survive. "Come on. Fight, damn it. Breathe…"

I huffed out a quiet sob. Any other time I'm sure I would be getting hell for crying like a little sissy. But not now. I squeezed my sister's hand, and felt compelled to say something more to her, "Leah, you are…" I paused, "...an incredible bitch." It sounded bad, but my brain wasn't exactly functioning normally right now. "I've spent my entire life being tortured by you." I sniffed. "You're my big sister. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You taught me to ride a bike. You showed me all of the dirty words in the dictionary when I was little. You taught me to forge mom and dad's signature." My sister was the _ultimate_ bad girl. I couldn't stop the damn blubbering. "You can't die! Come on, you've spent fourteen years torturing me, but this is _killing_ me. Please don't torture me like this anymore." I buried my face into her frozen hand.

I felt one of her fingers twitch. Sam stopped compressions for a moment. Leah's eyes flew open, and she let out a pained gasp. I guess it was hurting her to breathe. Never in my life had I been _happy_ to see my sister groaning in pain. It meant that she was alive. Her eyes fluttered shut again, but she continued to breathe on her own.

I squeezed her hand. "I'm here, Leah."

She was trembling again.

"I'm going to go and call Dr. Gerandy." Paul disappeared.

_Well, that sounds like a sensible thing to do. If only someone had suggested that half an hour ago…oh, wait...I DID!_ But instead of yelling I just continued to watch Leah. I knew that she could stop breathing again at any moment.

She was still pale and she was still ice-cold. But she was alive. Paul came back in and said that the doctor was on the way. They got her into the warm bath pretty quickly.

It didn't take long for the water to get cold. With her body temperature so low the warm water didn't last very long. After a while they put her in Emily's bed covered by fleece and cotton and all other kinds of warm fuzzy stuff.

"Where the hell is the doctor?" She still didn't seem to be improving.

"I'm going to check on that right now," Sam said. He left me alone in Emily's room with my sister.

I looked around Emily's room. It was so different than Leah's room. Emily was definitely more girly. I guess she'd inherited all of the ovaries in the family. Leah had never been much of a girly-girl. If she woke up in this room the first thing she was going to do was ask me if a baby unicorn had vomited up this wallpaper.

"Ask me…" I pleaded with her to sit up and start bitching about the fact that she wanted to be transferred to a room that wasn't decorated by Elton John's fashion designer. "Come on, Leah. You're strong. You can pull through this." Truth was...my sister had always been tough as nails. But tonight she looked as meek and vulnerable as a newborn kitten. She would probably smack me for comparing her to a kitten if she were conscious right now.

Leah was a fighter. Born and raised. Never once had I seen her in a position of vulnerability. She fought her battles with more gusto than anyone I had ever met. Hell, sometimes she started battles just so she could finish them. It wouldn't make any sense for her to go out like this. Because of a blizzard. Something crossed my mind. Did she _want_ to live? Had she done this on purpose? That was pretty much the only explanation that my mind could muster up at the moment.

I sighed as I pressed my cheek against her stomach. Even through the blankets I could feel how cold she was. I took her hand. It was still cool, but it wasn't nearly as frozen as when Embry and I had first found her. I just didn't understand what would possess her to run around in a blizzard in her underwear.

"Why would you do this, Leah?" I asked softly.

I heard a commotion outside. Sam and Embry were shouting at one another. Embry was grumbling about Sam breaking Leah's heart.

"Sam, she still thinks you left her intentionally!" I heard Embry growling at Sam. "This is complete crap. You need to tell her…" He was back to the "you have to tell her" thing again.

"There are laws for a reason," Sam said calmly.

Leah had been hurting since Sam left her. She just chose never to say anything. I remembered hearing her cry herself to sleep every night, but never once did she talk to someone about the fact that she was in such pain. I wondered to myself how long ago she had lost the will to live. I sighed. I wish she would have said something to me.

There was a noise from behind me. I didn't even look up to see who it was. I was not taking my eyes off of my sister for one second.

"How are you holding up, kid?" Jacob questioned as he walked into my sight holding the thermometer. I took a moment to register that he, like Embry, had grown like five feet. What the hell were they eating? Growth hormones?

"Worst night of my life," I mumbled.

"Hey, she's going to pull through, Seth." He sounded confident about that. I could tell that he was bullshitting me though. _Poor ignorant little Seth. He wouldn't know reality if it bit him in the ass._ I just rolled my eyes. I was not as dumb as they thought I was.

A few seconds later the thermometer went off.

"What's she at?" I questioned. Still wasn't looking away from her.

"Ninety-two. That's better."

"But hardly a normal temperature." I frowned.

I heard Jacob mutter, "What _is_ normal in this town?"

"Jake, can I ask you something?" I peeled my eyes away from Leah for a moment. He would probably have a harder time lying to my face.

"Anything."

"What's going on around here?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's with all the nudity and secrecy? And how did you guys coordinate everything together so quickly?"

I saw him look down at his feet.

His answer reminded me a lot of Embry's earlier, "I would tell you if I could."

"What's stopping you?"

Jacob glanced out in the hallway and then back to me.

"Look, you don't want to get involved in this. I mean I'm not saying it ruins lives or anything…" He paused and then pursed his lips in thought. He looked at Leah and then let out a sigh, "...or I dunno. Maybe it does." I could see his sympathy for Leah. I wondered if he'd figured out that Leah hadn't just stumbled outdoors by accident.

I looked at my sister again. Her lips were chapped and still discolored from being exposed to such cool temperatures. I glanced at Jacob again.

"You really think she'll pull through?"

He let out a hard laugh.

"If anyone can get through this, it's her." He slipped back into the hallway.

A few minutes later Emily came in with a heating pad. Sam must have thought Leah had improved or else he probably wouldn't have let Emily come in here.

"Oh…" I could literally _hear_ Emily's heart drop into her stomach when she saw how breakable Leah looked right now. She looked like she might vomit. It's a good thing that Sam hadn't let Emily see how bad Leah originally looked.

"Hey, Em." I smiled weakly at my cousin.

After she took a moment to swallow the giant knot in her throat she took a step forward and brushed her hand against Leah's forehead.

"Oh, Leah…" She pushed Leah's hair away from her eyes and let out a saddened gasp. A tear rolled down the unscarred portion of her face. It had been almost six months since Emily had had a run in with a bear. It had left her face permanently disfigured. But Emily never complained about it.

I tried to take her mind off of Leah. "Are my mom and dad coming?"

"They're on their way." Emily nodded. She let her hand rest on Leah's cheek. "She's so cold."

"Her temperature is coming up." Now it was _my_ turn to play the optimist.

I could see Emily's bottom lip trembling. Being here and seeing Leah like this was hard for her. Too hard. She left the heating pad with me and quickly dashed out of the room. If I had half a brain I would have been right behind her, but I couldn't force myself to leave my sister. Not like this.

It only took the damn doctor a half-hour to get out here. He'd swooped in with his swinging stethoscope and all of his other medical junk.

He and Sam spoke in hushed tones. I only picked up on some of it, "Her heart-rate is extremely low and she's hypothermic…_medical jargon that I didn't understand_…definitely need to get her on antibiotics for her feet…_blah, blah_…something about her losing her toes..._yackity, yack, yack_..."

By the time my mom and dad arrived Leah's temperature had finally gotten back to semi-normal. Ninety-six point two. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than eighty-six. Emily's tiny room continued to fill up with people. The doctor was talking about transferring her to the hospital. Leah wasn't going to like that. She hated hospitals. And she always had something hateful to say to doctors. I think I had once heard her call my pediatrician Chester the Molester.

My dad didn't say much. I could see that he was kicking himself for not taking Leah's disappearance more seriously. He just nodded his head in agreement with whatever the doctor was saying.

My mom flew straight to our side. She kissed me on the head as she let a tear slide down her cheek. It was weird to see my mom cry. Like Leah, she _never_ cried. After she squeezed my free hand she crawled into bed, pulled Leah's head into her lap, and started to sob.

"We should get her to the hospital as soon as possible," the doctor rambled on.

I was no longer paying attention to the doctor, because I felt a sudden pressure on my hand. Leah let out a choked gasp and then a cough. And Godbless it, she spoke.

"No…hospitals."

* * *

**Leah's POV:**

My. Fucking. Head. Oh, what the hell was I thinking? I should have just jumped out in front of a moving car or something. The quicker the death, the better. But since I had failed in my stupid-ass attempt at trying to end my pain I had only worsened it.

_Way to go you idiot,_ I grumbled to myself.

I opened my eyes and saw Seth and mom looking over me anxiously. My eyes wandered around the room. Geeze, everyone in La Push was here. I had no clue how I had gotten here to Emily's place. Paul was standing near the door...his beady little eyes staring at me warily. If I had any strength I would have told him to go fuck himself. Paul had always gotten on my nerves. Beside him stood Embry. His eyes were quiet and thoughtful. He wasn't looking at me directly, but rather he was focusing on my mother behind me. Seeing Jacob here surprised me. Mostly because we fought all the time. Lately he'd spent all of his time romancing some mopey little brat from Forks, a neighboring town. Jared was here, too...next to Sam as always. Jared was always up Sam's ass. Seeing Sam made me remember why I was here in the first place. I quickly looked away from Sam and over at my dad. He looked so…old.

Seth was the first to speak, obviously excited.

"You're okay! Thank God!" I felt him squeeze my hand tightly.

In a flash, there was some old guy with gray hair flashing a god damn light in my eye and telling me to follow his finger. How about I break the fucking finger? Would he give me a clean bill of health _then_?

"Leah, do you know where you are?" the creepy old pervert asked.

I couldn't help myself as I decided to be a smartass.

"Yeah. Disneyworld." My voice was hoarse when I spoke. Guess that's what hypothermia does to a person.

He ignored my sarcasm. "You were exposed to extremely cold temperatures tonight. Your body temperature dropped dangerously low." He paused and then asked, "Tell me, can you remember anything?"

Well, I remembered trying to kill myself by becoming the world's coldest snow-woman, but I knew I couldn't tell him that. He would just order me to complete some crappy therapy in which I would learn to "grow from love" and "get in touch with my inner-feelings" only to have the therapist tell me I was nuts by the end of my session. I shuddered. No way. I wasn't going to let some quack tell me something that I already knew. I wasn't _that_ stupid.

I shook my head.

"I…uh…went for a walk to try and clear my head. Then the weather got kind of rough, and…I blacked out after that." I glanced at the doctor to see if he bought it. He nodded his head. He was satisfied with my answer.

I could see someone who wasn't. Seth was frowning at me. Shit. He knew. I glanced around the room. Had anyone else pieced together my not-so brilliant plan? No one else was giving me the look that my brother was.

"Can I go home now?"

"You have been through a lot tonight."

"Thank you, Dr. Quinn, medicine woman," I grumbled hoarsely.

I didn't want him treating me. For all I knew, he'd gotten all of his medical knowledge by watching reruns of "Quincy" and "MASH."

"I think it would be wise to take you in...just in case…"

I shook my head, which was probably a mistake. I got a little lightheaded and the room started to spin. I took in a relaxing breath and responded.

"No. I'm okay. I just want to go home." I knew I wasn't okay. I feel like I'd been hit by a damn mack truck.

"Leah, are you sure?" My dad walked over by my side. I could see how hard this was for him. I felt my mom's soft hands brush my cheeks from behind me. I turned to look up at her. Her face looked pained. I sighed. I had really put them through hell tonight. I guess I hadn't really thought this completely through like I'd originally thought. Of course, I didn't think I would be here to see the terrified looks on their faces. Geeze, I was selfish. Seeing my mom and dad so desperately upset and knowing that _I_ had caused that made me _wish_ that I was dead right now. I decided at this very moment that I would never do this again. I would have to find some other way to deal with my pain.

"I'm fine, guys. Really." I was lying through my teeth. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep from shivering. I was still freezing. I forced myself to sit up and a jolt of pain shot through my legs. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming.

"Alright," Dr. Ballsack the Quack said unsurely. "I have some antibiotics in my car. And some follow-up care instructions on hypothermia." He glanced at my parents.

I felt my mom shift from behind me. "I'll be right back, baby." She kissed the top of my forehead.

The crowd in the room suddenly dispersed. The only person who stayed was Seth. Of course he'd stayed. He knew the truth behind why I was here. I'm sure he was going to give me hell for it.

I looked around the room. God, this place was so…_pink._

"What blind decorator designed this room?" I grumbled.

Seth smiled back at me. I think he was actually happy that I was alive.

"Blue is not a good color on you." He laughed softly and rolled his eyes. But even though he was smiling, I could feel how tense he was as his hand tightened around mine.

"Seth, you can let go of my hand now." I pulled away from him.

He blinked in realization.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I haven't let go since…" I saw him look away uncomfortably.

"God, relax kid. You're acting like I'm dying or something."

Suddenly, his face snapped up angrily. I could see the pain in his eyes.

"You _did_ die, Leah." He frowned. I looked at him in confusion. I frowned. If I was dead and this was someone's unfunny joke of an afterlife...if I was eternally stuck in La Push I was going to be _pissed_. Seth looked around and quieted his voice. "Your heart stopped when we first got you here." My mouth popped open stupidly.

_You mean to tell me that I was that close to getting what I wanted?_ What the hell had happened to change fate?

Seth continued, "I freaked."

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely.

"Even though everyone else was completely frozen in shock, Sam - he knew exactly what to do. He was so focused on saving you. He wasn't ready to let you go." Sam? Sam had done this? I grumbled. Of course he had. He'd been the one who was causing my pain in the first place. It was only fitting that he was the person who helped the pain continue.

Seth read the pain on my face.

"I knew you were hurting, but I had no idea how much pain you were really in," he sighed. "To do _this_…" He shook his head. "Why wouldn't you tell someone?" Seth frowned. "Why wouldn't you tell _me_? I'm your brother!"

I thought about my response for a moment. It wouldn't do any good to deny it. And I felt like I owed him the truth after everything I'd put him through tonight.

"Because I really wanted it to happen," I explained. "Seth, think about it. Someone who _really_ wants to go through with dying isn't going to tell anyone because they don't _want_ to be talked out of it." I thought of all of the girls I went to high school with. Many of them had threatened to slit their wrists a time or two. But they always told someone because they didn't really want to go through with it. They just wanted the drama that went along with it.

The room was quiet for a few minutes.

Seth huffed, "You scared the hell out of me." He frowned at me. "Do it again and you won't need a blizzard because _I'll_ kill you." He threatened.

Wow, this had really torn him up. For the first time since I'd come up with this stupid plan, I felt ashamed. And I was angry at myself for hurting those closest to me. This was the lowest of the low.

I promised my brother that I would never put him through that again. That no matter how bad things were for me, I would not seek suicide as a way out. He seemed convinced, and he went a step above and beyond by not saying anything to our parents.

Who would have thought that a near death experience would bring me and my brother closer together?

That night when I got home I thought about how stupid this whole thing was. I could be such a moron sometimes. Even though I'd insisted that my parents and my brother just leave me alone and let me sleep off my aches and pains, I would occasionally hear Seth listening in on me to make sure I was still breathing.

I didn't mind. I understood Seth's hesitation to believe me. But I was determined to keep my promise to him. I was still not over my love for Sam, and I knew I had a long way to go, but I'd learned tonight that there were worse things in life than your boyfriend leaving you. Killing myself wasn't going to take care of my problems. Hell, with my luck they'd probably follow me even in death.

I decided that the best thing I could do was to keep living. Because for some reason...I had been granted a reprieve. I mean, how much shittier could my life get?

I just _had_ to ask. Things only got worse from there.

Ain't life a bitch?

Fucking promises.


	3. Why Does Everyone Insist on talking

**Chapter 3:**

**Why does everyone insist on talking about their feelings?**

So, I'm over the whole "wah, my life sucks" thing. Even though it does. I refuse to become another one of those whiny-ass little teenage brats who cries about everything. My life _does_ suck, and I _am_ alone. Period. End of story. Crying about it does nothing. Instead, I prefer violence. A lot of it.

It had been a little over two weeks since I'd almost died out in the snow. For some idiotic reason, I thought that dying in a pile of frozen powder would somehow be graceful. When I looked back over that, one word came to mind: _Dumbass_! No. Two words: _Frozen Dumbass._ I can admit when I've screwed up. And seventeen days ago, I did. I should have just taken a gun to my head instead. Much quicker.

I did feel bad that Seth had been the one who'd found me. All pale and shit. Who knew the kid actually loved me? Who in their right mind would love a hateful shrew? But apparently he'd cried when I almost died. I teased the hell out of him for that. It pissed him off.

Seth did all he could to try and keep me alive. Which would have been sweet...if it wasn't really freaking annoying. In the end, though it was my ex-boyfriend Sam that brought me back to life.

Figures. The miserable dickhead that had broken my heart had been the one to mend my frozen heart. He just couldn't leave well enough alone.

I hadn't seen or spoken to Sam since the morning after my near deep-freezing incident when he came over with Dr. Gerandy to see how I was. I told him that I was going to strangle him with the doctor's stethoscope unless he left. He saw that I was back to normal, and he didn't stick around long after that. He had called to check up on me a few times. I usually just told him to go suck a moose tit.

He sighed at my hostility, "I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You went through a lot."

_Yeah, because of you. Jackass_. Somehow, I managed not to say that in to the phone. I never would have been trekking through the snow trying to forget my troubles if he hadn't left me for my cousin.

"So _now_ you care about me?" I rolled my eyes. "How thoughtful." How was it fair for him to just pick and choose when he got to love me?

He continued to ignore the fact that I was basically telling him to go to hell.

"Have you been taking your antibiotics?" he questioned.

I had been really torn up after walking barefoot in the snow for three hours. Dr. Gerandy had put me on a heavy course-load of antibiotics. Even though my body had been through hell, I was actually in pretty decent shape. He was mainly concerned about the gashes on my legs. And he was also worried about frostbite. I told him to _bite_ my frosty ass.

Sam had scolded me for that.

"Now, Leah, do you want your toes to die and fall off?"

I'd just shrugged and responded, "Worked for your dick, didn't it?"

"Leah? Have you been taking your antibiotics?" Sam asked again.

"What are you, my doctor?" I asked caustically.

"I _did_ save you." Sam pointed out.

"Yeah. Thanks," I grumbled sarcastically. I wasn't exactly grateful for that. He didn't want me, but he wanted to keep me around and watch me suffer? Selfish jerk.

"How's your heart?" He continued with the medical questions.

Without missing a beat I responded, "Broken." Yeah, thanks for that, too, Sam.

"But no palpitations?" He was starting to annoy me.

"If you're asking me whether or not my heart skips a beat when you call, the answer is no. Our hearts don't _belong_ together, remember?" I snapped. I let out an aggravated huff. "I feel fine, so stop calling here." I hung up on him.

I turned around and saw Seth standing behind me.

"Sam again?"

"He's worse than mom." I frowned. Sam's over-protectiveness of me annoyed the shit out of me, especially since we weren't together anymore. And even when we were together if he doted on me I usually told him his vagina was showing. I laughed. No wonder Sam didn't love me. I was more man than he was.

"He's just concerned," Seth said.

"I thought you hated him, too." I frowned. It was kind of nice to have my brother on the same side as me.

"I don't _hate_ him. I hate what he did to you." He paused. "But it's hard to dislike him considering he saved your ass two weeks ago."

"God, am I _ever_ going to live that down?" I grumbled. So I'd had a moment of weakness…where I just so happened to die. Whatever. Big freaking deal.

"Not if I have anything to say about it." Seth shrugged. He sighed, "You should consider being nicer to Sam. He just wants to know that you're okay."

Well, I was never going to be _okay_. Not when I still had feelings for my jackass of an ex.

"Yeah? Well I have two words for Sam: Eat. Shit." I shook my head and then changed my mind. "No, wait. Four words. Eat. Shit. And. Die." That satisfied me.

"You're so dramatic." Seth frowned.

"That's because my life is full of _drama_."

"So is mine, but you don't see me bitching about it." Seth shrugged.

"What do _you_ have to be miserable about?" I laughed. "Aw, is some mean bully picking on you on the playground? Does your big sister need to tell the other children to stop being mean to poor wittle Sethy?" I teased him.

"Very funny." Seth rolled his eyes. "School's fine. Jacob is just being an ass."

"Jacob has _always_ been an ass." I pointed out.

Seth mumbled on about how Jacob had been avoiding him lately. Sounds like my kid brother had been dumped by his lover. He was so touchy about his best friend ignoring him.

"He spends all his free time now with Bella," he said. "Or Sam."

"If those two were my only options as friends I would shoot myself." I shuddered at the thought.

"You don't _have_ any friends, Leah." Seth frowned at me.

"That's not true." I shook my head.

"Rachel doesn't count. She doesn't even live in town anymore."

"We still talk on the phone sometimes." I shrugged. "Besides…I hate people. All they do is constantly disappoint me." I was really tired of being screwed over. In fact, it's a good thing that I had graduated a semester early, because being in school with a bunch of depressing little teenagers was starting to get on my nerves. The world is _constantly_ over for all the little brats in high school. _Oh, God. I didn't finish my term paper! I don't want to fail!_ _They're having pizza again for lunch today! My life sucks!_ _She said that I said that he said that we weren't right for each other! Is there no God!?_ Pathetic. But not nearly as sad as how crappy my life was.

As I made my way to my room I thought about how I really didn't have much of a life. This spring break was going to be boring as hell. I slammed my door behind me and fell on to my bed.

I let out a groan, "This _sucks_." It was hard enough that Sam had left me. But the fact that he left me for my one and only true friend left me in a complete stupor. Emily and I had spent spring break together since we were little. I broke the tradition last year after finding out about her and Sam. It was weird not spending the entire week with her. But I just couldn't stand to see her and Sam together.

I heard a light knock at my door and let out an aggravated grunt, "Was I not clear? I'm _fine_!"

The door opened and my father peeked his head in.

"How did you know that's what I was going to ask? Are you psychic?"

"When you hear a question five hundred times you memorize the answer." I shrugged.

He walked over to where I was sitting and plopped down next to me. He didn't say anything. He just smiled.

Finally he broke the weird silence between us. "How are you feeling?"

I let out a smug grin.

"See? I knew you were going to ask me that." Then I laughed. "I'm pretty much back to a hundred percent." If you didn't count my broken heart. I was pretty sure that wound was going to stay open for the rest of my life. No amount of antibiotics could take care of the infection in my broken heart.

My dad nodded approvingly. I took a moment to really look at him. He was pale, and he looked exhausted. I knew he hadn't been feeling well lately. But I didn't realize how worn down he looked.

"So, uh, how've _you_ been?" I never was good at small talk with my dad. The only thing we ever discussed was the weather.

To my surprise, he didn't lie.

"Tired." He smiled softly at me. "Getting older isn't much fun." He laughed. "You're lucky to be young, kid." He paused, "You certainly bounce back quickly." I assumed he was talking about my brush with death.

I grumbled to myself. _Yeah, nothing like being young, healthy, and alone._

I shoved my dad playfully. "Maybe if you ate your vegetables once in a while you'd feel better." My mom was constantly trying to get him to eat healthier. Seth and I called her the Food Nazi because she was always monitoring what he ate. And if he had too much junk food he'd never hear the end of it.

"At this rate I'm going to have to adopt a dog so I can sneak my greens to it under the table when your mother isn't looking. As it is I had to hide them under my mashed potatoes tonight."

"I noticed." I nodded. My dad could be such a big child sometimes. "Seriously, broccoli isn't _that_ bad, dad."

"It's nasty." He looked like a five-year-old when he said that. I could picture him throwing a tantrum and refusing to eat his vegetables. One of these days my mother was going to tell him he couldn't have his dessert until he finished his green beans. That would be funny to see.

_"Harry, finish your vegetables!"_

_"But…I don't wanna!!"_

_"Then no dessert for you tonight."_

_"But Suuuuueeee…Seth and Leah get cake!!"_

_"Well, Seth and Leah ate their green beans."_

_"This isn't fair…"_

Dad interrupted my amusing thoughts, "I just wanted to see how you were feeling. I think I'm going to turn in early tonight." He pushed himself off of my bed.

"Big day planned tomorrow?" I asked curiously.

"Charlie, Billy, and I are going fishing."

"Ah, ha. So you're not too tired to go fishing with your buddies." I teased him.

"Well, Billy and I are trying to keep Charlie in La Push as much as possible these days." He suddenly got a look on his face as if he'd said to much. "You know...to keep him occupied. Bella's been having a tough time lately, and it's been kind of hard on Charlie."

Bella Swan had to be one of the most annoying girls I'd ever had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting. She bothered me, but for some reason Jacob freaking worshipped the ground she walked on. I still didn't understand what he saw in her. It was obvious that she was using him as a way to get over her boyfriend. He'd apparently taken off and left her in a state of unbelievable heartbreak.

Seth seemed to think I'd sympathize with her. I didn't. Because even after Sam left me I didn't mope around for months on end. Instead I took my heartbreak and turned it into something more productive. Rage. Which made me irritatingly funny. Or caustically bitchy...depending on the way you looked at it.

Besides, Bella and her "perfect" boyfriend had only been together for like five minutes. Long enough for him to take her to prom, spend all summer sucking on her face, and then decide that he was bored and wanted a younger looser chick. I'm sure it was something similar to that. Guys were such assholes. If they didn't have dicks, I wouldn't love them so much.

My father was watching me in an odd way. "You remember Bella, right?"

"Sure. Brown hair. Average height. Kind of mopey. A royal pain in the ass?" I shrugged.

My dad nodded cautiously. "You remember her boyfriend?"

"Wasn't he one of the Cullens?" The Cullens were some rich hoity-toity family that for some reason were hated in La Push.

"Yes," my dad said quietly. "Edward Cullen was not exactly good for Bella. The crowd he runs with is dangerous. And even though they are long gone now, some of the Elders have reason to believe that their friends might still be coming around." I saw him crinkle his nose in disgust.

"Don't tell me you buy into that whole superstitious crap, too, dad?" I rolled my eyes. I vaguely recalled some stories that had been floating around about mythical creatures in some long, drawn out, _boring_ war.

He smiled softly. "Still...Billy and I prefer for Charlie _and_ Bella to spend their free time in La Push. She and Jacob are going to be hanging out tomorrow. Maybe you should join them. I'm sure Bella would like to have some girl time."

Spend time with Bella? Couldn't I just stick my hand in a wood chipper? That would be less painful.

"Then tell her to go to Emily's." I frowned angrily. He wanted me to spend time with that self-obsessed repressed little cry-baby? Over my dead body. "They can bake and paint their nails and do all of that other crap that sissy girls do."

"Well, if you change your mind you can give Jake a call."

Like Jacob would pick up the phone? He'd probably be too busy jacking off in the bathroom while Bella curled up into a ball on his living room floor and cried about her miserable existence. I thought about calling Jacob as a joke, just to see what his reaction would be when I told him I wanted to be his new best friend. He'd probably piss himself out of fear if I told him that I wanted to hang out.

"Sure. If the moon turns purple and pigs start flying then I'll call him," I muttered out a laugh. I thought about it. Jacob was avoiding my brother. I didn't have a shot in hell at spending time with him. Like I'd want to anyway.

My father was almost to my door. "Night, kiddo."

"Dad, I'm almost twenty. The 'kiddo' thing is a little creepy now."

"Sweetie, no matter how old you get you're always going to be my baby girl."

Okay, serious "aw" moment. I couldn't help but ruin it.

"Yeah, until the dementia sets in and you're so out of it that you think that I'm one of your old fishing buddies."

He laughed, "Goodnight, Leah."

"Have fun tomorrow."

As my dad disappeared into the hall I thought about how tired I _wasn't_. The last thing I wanted to do right now was go to sleep. Of course that probably had more to do with the fact that I didn't feel like dealing with my erratic dreams. The inner most sanctum of my mind was not a fun place to be. Once I pushed past all the hatred that I had for Sam, there was a deeply saddened part of me just yearning to come out. But I didn't feel like crying, so I suppressed the bitch and hit my pillow in frustration.

I needed to get out for a while. I didn't care where. I just had to do something other than sit here in my room and mope about how shitty my life was. Because the longer I sat here, the more depressed I was going to become. And I couldn't go back to that dark place. Because I don't think that I could come back from it again.


	4. Drugs are bad, but they're fun as hell

**Chapter 4:**

**Drugs are bad…but they're fun as hell**

There had to be something to do around this town. I tried to think of what kids did for recreation around here as I made my way to my brother's room. His door was open. He was sitting on the floor reading a sports magazine. I was a little surprised that my brother actually liked sports. He'd always been so girly. One time when we were playing football when we were younger he'd burst into tears after I'd tackled him to the ground. Of course, he _was_ only four at the time.

"I'm going out for a while. Wanna come?" How pathetic was it that I wanted to hang out with my little brother?

Even more pathetic, he turned me down. "No, thanks."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot…you're a loser."

"Love you too, sis." Seth didn't even look up from his magazine.

I didn't really have a plan as I made my way out of the house. The air was surprisingly warm for this time of night. It was probably getting ready to rain. It always got so humid before it rained around here.

My walk was going pretty boring until I walked by Quil's house. I spotted the little delinquent sitting on his front porch drinking a beer.

"Crap," he mumbled when he saw me. He did his best to hide the can in his hands.

"Busted." I walked over to him.

He laughed stupidly. "Damn. Guess the jig is up."

"What the hell are you doing with that beer?"

"Getting drunk." Oh, so tonight he was going to be a smartass? Great.

"Your Grandfather is going to kill you."

"Nah, I'll just hold his cat hostage." Quil shrugged.

I glanced inside the house and shook my head. Old Quil's cat was a frickin psychopath.

I frowned. "That's not a cat. That's Satan in a fur coat."

"I think he adopted her just to keep me out of the house. I'm allergic to cats."

"_Allergic?_ That's just something that people who don't like animals say."

"In that case I'm _allergic_ to you." Well, I'd walked right into that one. I couldn't be mad. Quil chuckled in amusement at his own joke.

I sniffed the air. Something in it caught my attention. I noticed that there was a curious odor lingering about. It took me a minute to realize what it was.

"Quil, have you been smoking pot?" I questioned.

He tried his best to hide his sheepish grin as he stuttered out, "What? Naw…"

"Are you high right now?"

"A little." He admitted, and then he snorted out a laugh.

"Someone should seriously kick your ass. You shouldn't be doing crap like that. You're _sixteen_!"

He blinked at me mindlessly and then a wave of confusion washed across his face.

"I'm sorry, what'd you just say?" He frowned and looked at the ground. "Man, I really want a Twinkie right now."

I shook my head. "You little stoner."

"Harlot," Quil quipped back at me. He snorted again.

"Don't you know that smoking dope makes people stupid?" I asked.

"People are _already_ stupid. Smoking pot just makes them funny." He had me there. Normally, I couldn't stand Quil, but tonight he was making me laugh my ass off…internally, of course.

I tried to think of something else adult-like I could say. I think I'd covered all the bases. "Drugs are bad. Don't do them" pretty much covered it all.

Apparently my silence started to freak Quil out.

"Hey, you're being really quiet, Leah."

I decided to mess with him.

"I'm not Leah. I'm just a figment of your imagination."

He shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I'm not _that_ stoned."

"Where the hell did you get drugs, anyway?" I questioned.

"You remember the guys that were selling Meth that Sam ran off?"

I gritted my teeth. Not that Keith Spears and his little friends didn't deserve to get chased off of our land with pitchforks and fire, but Sam took his whole "protector" crap so seriously.

"You better not be doing Meth." I frowned disapprovingly at Quil.

"What do you think I am? Stupid?" Quil questioned. I could see the "wait a second, don't answer that" look in his eyes.

Without missing a beat I responded, "Yes."

"No, I know how dangerous that shit is." He shook his head. "Anyway, the guy's younger brother still comes around from time to time. He's not into the whole Meth scene. He's just small time stuff."

"Comforting." I frowned. "Because Meth isn't legal, and pot apparently _is_." I was really bringing the sarcasm tonight.

"Aw, come on. I'm having a rough time right now."

"Why? Because Jacob isn't around for you to suck his dick anymore?" I figured that since Jacob's abandonment had my brother so upset then it probably had Quil in an uproar, too.

"I just never figured Jake to be the type to abandon his friends to chase after a hot piece of ass."

I completely lost it to my laughter when I heard Quil say that. Being a girl, it should have offended me. But I found it hysterically funny…because it was true. So, I was a screwed up bitch for thinking like that. Whatever. Quil was funny when he was stoned.

"What sixteen-year-old guy is going to choose his friends over some pussy?" I snickered.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Quil nodded. He tipped up the beer can and swallowed another gulp.

A thought crossed my mind.

"You aren't corrupting Seth with this crap, are you?"

Quil shook his head. "That damn kid is a saint," he sighed. "I don't see how you live in the same house as him."

"I got used to the fact that I'm the disappointment in the Clearwater household." I frowned. "He makes me look pretty bad."

"You do that all on your own." Quil smirked.

"Watch it. I _will_ hit a stoned person…"

"And drunk." Quil beamed proudly. He took another sip of his beer.

"I really wish you wouldn't." Even though I couldn't honestly say that I hadn't done the exact same thing when I was his age, it still bothered me to see him boozing it up. In truth, though, it did seem to be relaxing him. Hell, maybe I'd actually be nice if I did that kind of stuff on a regular basis. Maybe I could _smoke_ Sam away. And if I couldn't smoke him away, maybe I could just get so stoned that when I saw him I would laugh at his big dopey ears.

Quil looked at me sadly. "You're not going to tell on me, are you?"

I paused to think for a moment and then shook my head.

"Not if you share."

He let out a soft laugh.

"Come on in."

An hour later, Quil and I were toasted out of our minds watching the Home Shopping Network and laughing our asses off every time the crazy woman with the cat sweaters explained where she got the inspiration to design clothes.

One of the women on the channel was rambling as she tried on the sweater, "Oh, I don't know. Doesn't the pink make my stomach stick out a little? It makes me look fat."

"Uh, the fact that _you're fat_ makes you look fat. The sweater just makes you glow in the dark." I laughed. I had always hated the color pink. It was just too bright and happy. Two things that I was _not_.

"Man, where do they come up with this junk?" Quil let out a high pitched laugh.

We watched as desperate lonely women, two gay guys, and a crazy shopoholic called the show to order the "limited time" clothing. I toyed with the idea of buying one just so I could watch it burn.

Quil noticed that I was in thought.

"Hey…Leah?"

"Huh?"

He was silent for almost a minute before he answered, "What do you think the meaning of life is?"

What the hell kind of question was that?

"Why are you asking me? I'm baked. I can't even remember what I was doing five minutes ago." I furrowed my brow as I tried to remember back as far as my brain would let me. Then I forgot why I was searching my brain in the first place. "Oh!" Something suddenly occurred to me.

"What is it?"

"I just got the whole plot of that movie _Star Wars_." So, it had only taken me getting blitzed out of my mind to understand how George Lucas's mind worked. The scary thing is…it made complete sense to me. No wonder Seth loved the damn movies so much. I thought about how each character's dynamic shaped who they became. And I understood why each character chose the path they did. The whole "good versus evil" thing was interesting to think about. Then I started laughing hysterically about how fucked-up ewoks looked. It's like a koala bear had mated with a donkey.

"What are you laughing at?" Quil questioned.

"Furry munchkins." I managed to squeak out. I shook my head and laughed. "Freaky little crotch critters…"

"I'm going to grab another drink. Want one?" he questioned.

I thought about it. I didn't feel completely wasted, but I was satisfyingly warm. My hands felt like I'd put them on a hot stove.

"No. I'm good."

"Lightweight." He teased me. He disappeared for a few minutes and then came back in the room chuckling. I looked up to see what he found so funny. He was holding a fire extinguisher.

"What the hell are you doing with that?"

He sat down in his Grandfather's wheelchair. "I saw this on TV once."

"Oh my God. Are you really one of those jackasses that imitates stupid stunts that you see on television?"

"Yep." He grinned. "Check it out…" Quil pulled the lever. Foam came flying out, sending the wheelchair hurtling into the wall. He dropped the extinguisher and it spun around on the ground. He tried to grab it, but it smacked his arm. He jerked back and toppled backwards.

I was wrong. That _was_ funny. Now Old Quil really _was_ going to kill his grandson. I looked over and saw that the cat was covered in the foam. She looked like a little pissed off lion. Her tail was flickering in irritation. I'm sure she was planning on killing Quil in his sleep.

Quil managed to wrestle the extinguisher to get it to shut off. We sat in silence for about thirty seconds. Then we both doubled over in laughter.

Quil screamed out laughter as he pointed to the cat.

"It's a pussy covered in a white creamy substance…"

After gagging...I had to laugh. Sometimes guys' thoughts surprised me. I had to wonder what the hell went on in their minds. I imagine it went something like: _Food. Sex. Sports. Cars. Sex. Weather. Sex. Shiny object. Naked women. Oh...look at the kitty. Kitty can be another term for pussy. Women have those. Sex. Naked women. Baseball. Ha ha, I said "ball." Video games. Hoes and shit. Random music. Sex. Food. I love pudding. It's just so wet and slippery. Ha! Wet and slippery! SEX!_

Quil stopped laughing and leaned back in the wheel-chair again.

"God, I am so bored!" he whined.

"My dad used to tell me that only stupid people get bored."

"Well, then apparently I'm a big flipping moron."

"I'm not going to argue with that."

Quil sighed. Somehow, I got the feeling that our fun night was coming to a close. He was going to bitch about his feelings. What. A. Girl.

"Has Seth said anything to you about the way Jacob's been acting?" Quil questioned.

Only every minute of every day. Seriously. The kid didn't have any other friends.

"All he does is cry about how he never sees Jacob anymore. I swear, sometimes I think you two have more estrogen running through your system than I do. Boo-hoo." I rolled my eyes. "Grow a pair."

Quil continued being all girly. "He won't talk to me, either. Embry did the same thing a couple weeks before Jake did. And now they're both constantly with Sam. You don't think they're in a gang, do you?"

Yes. Sam "Pussy" Uley was the leader of some underground Quileute gang. With synchronized dance moves and everything. I scoffed at that.

"When you were with him he wasn't in to anything like that, right?" Quil was still looking for verification.

"Are you kidding? I couldn't even get him to do anything risky in the bedroom." I rolled my eyes.

Quil squinted his eyes shut in disgust. "I'm never going to get that image out of my head."

I laughed at his overreaction. "In a few minutes you'll forget I was even here." I stood up and stretched.

"You're leaving?" His face was void of any emotion. He didn't care whether I stayed or not. And that was fine by me. It's good that Quil wasn't forming an attachment to me. I was bad news, and I knew that.

"I've got to get back home before my parents send out a search party." Namely, Seth. I didn't want him around drugs and alcohol. Just because he was a good kid didn't mean that he couldn't be tempted. And if my brother did fall victim to the normal teenage bad habits, my parents would find a way to blame me.

"Alright. Guess I'll see you at Emily's on Wednesday." Quil waved as I was walking out the door.

I grunted. I had forgotten about that. Emily and Sam were making dinner for pretty much everyone in town. My parents were forcing Seth and me to go. Something about "family" and some other crap. I wasn't really paying attention. I just started daydreaming about how hot Taye Diggs was without his shirt on. So, up until now I had completely forgotten about going on Wednesday.

"Guess so." I frowned. When I reached the front door, I turned back to survey the disarray that Old Quil's house was in. It wasn't as bad as I'd originally thought. Quil would have enough time to clean up before his Grandfather got home. "Just try not to set anything on fire." I gave him a piece of advice. Especially considering he'd killed the fire extinguisher. I could just see the little stoner tripping over his own feet after accidentally setting something on fire. He'd be frantically searching for the fire extinguisher because he'd forgotten that he'd already used it for fun.

"I'll try. But considering that I got flashed by one of my Granddad's friend's at the nursing home earlier, I can't guarantee what I may or may not do tonight." He shivered. "Old lady boobs are gross."

I didn't feel like hearing anymore about wrinkly nipples, so I quickly bolted out the front door. He'd probably only told me that to get back at me for putting an image of Sam and I in the bedroom in his head. It was actually a really good retaliation on Quil's part. I guess he could be pretty crafty when he wasn't being a complete dumbass.

I walked down the road, wobbling with every step. Guess I was more buzzed than I realized. I looked down at my feet, trying to keep my balance. When I looked away I ran in to something.

"Whoa, easy there…" A voice startled me.

It was hard to see anything in the dark. I batted my eyes a few times, trying to adjust them to the moonlight. Whoever it was, I probably knew him. There wasn't anyone in town that I _didn't_ know. I needed to play it as coolly as possible. I didn't need one of my parents' friends ratting me out.

"Hey, how've you been?" I questioned stupidly.

He walked with me a few steps.

"Great. And you?"

When we passed a house with a porch light I got a glimpse of the man's face. It wasn't anyone I had ever seen before. It was a guy in his late thirties who, for some reason, was missing half of his teeth.

"Oh, I thought I knew you." I laughed drunkenly. The toothless guy smiled back at me.

"Want to _get_ to know me?"

Yuck. There wasn't enough alcohol in the world to make this man attractive to me.

I shook my head. "No, I've had enough disappointment in my life, thanks." I started to walk off.

The guy followed me.

"I just moved to a place outside of town. I'm trying to get to know some of the people around here."

"Yeah, good luck with that." I sped up.

"Aw, come on. Haven't you ever been the new kid in town before?"

This jerk just wasn't getting the picture. I stopped, spun around, and let out a huff. "Look, you're about to get punched in the nose and lose the two teeth that you have left. So back off." I growled menacingly.

He let out an irritated laugh. "Forget you, bitch." He turned around to walk off. I watched him disappear down the road just to make sure he wasn't following me. When I was satisfied I slipped into the woods to take a shortcut home.

All I could do was laugh about the fact that the trees were dancing around me. I slowed my pace to try and stop my head from spinning.

I shivered, but I wasn't cold. I was irritated at the weird guy's advancement. Stuff like that had never bothered me before. I'd always been a "who gives a shit" type of person. But tonight I was irritable. I was angrier than I think I had ever been.

My hands started to shake in frustration, and I felt a building anger that I'd never felt before. I felt compelled to start running. Maybe running would burn off some steam. The ground was soft with moisture. Wow. When had it rained? Apparently, Quil and I had missed that. We were probably too busy laughing at CNN or something.

As I jogged through the forest I let my thoughts drift to all the crap that was happening in my life. I grumbled to myself about Sam and Emily's upcoming house party. They had just moved in together a few days ago.

As the anger flowed through me I could feel myself starting to heat up. My head felt like it was going to explode. I just ran harder. I could feel my legs burning beneath me. Every muscle and joint in my body was aching, and I had a stabbing pain in my head. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head as hard as I could. Probably not a smart thing to do while I was still running.

I plowed into a tree and fell to the ground.

I mumbled to myself, _Who put that tree there_?

I shook my head and pushed myself to my knees. When I looked at the ground where my hands should have been, I saw a massive furry paw.

I lifted my right hand and the paw slowly came towards my face. I cocked my head as I moved the foot around. Then I started to laugh because I had smoked _entirely_ too much pot tonight.

I was completely tripping out. I laughed stupidly. _Coooool…_

I wonder what furry animal Quil thought that he was right now. I could see him on all fours chasing after Old Quil's cat, meowing and hissing like a madman. I laughed. The cat would kick his ass.

My vision was a little off from all of my partying tonight, so as I trotted home I tried my hardest to focus on not running into any more trees. When I reached the edge of my property I slowed down a little. I was going to have to be quiet going back into my house. I shuffled towards my room.

_Be cool, Leah. Be cool._ I knew that I'd left my window open when I snuck out. The easiest thing to do would be just to slip back in and crawl into bed.

When I put my hairy paws on the windowsill, I laughed. I was still off in Stonerland. How much shit had I inhaled tonight? When I was sober I needed to remind myself never to do this again.

The window was a tighter squeeze than I remembered. After a failed attempt I fell to the ground to try and let some of my buzz wear off. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing so I could think straight again. I was probably just so frazzled by my run-in with the Toothless Wonder that I wasn't thinking clearly.

After a few minutes I opened my eyes again and stood up. The paws were gone. I still took a moment to stare mindlessly at the back of my hand for no apparent reason. Then I climbed through the window.

As I sat on the floor in my room I realized that I was really hungry. So I ate a Hershey's bar I had been saving for a rainy day. Then I went to bed.


	5. Someone Kill Me Please

**Chapter 5: **

**Someone kill me please**

When I woke up the next morning in my bed I noticed that I was surrounded by empty bags of chips, wrappers to God knows what, and a half-eaten box of _Corn Pops_ breakfast cereal. I didn't remember much of my drunken night with Quil. I just had to pray to God the two of us hadn't made out or some crap like that. That might send me over the deep end again. I didn't have to be a genius to know that the drinking and drugs had been a stupid idea. I had a hangover for like two days.

But even after I had recovered I stayed hidden in my room until Wednesday afternoon. I had been trying to plot a way to get out of going to Sam and Emily's housewarming party.

I thought about faking my death, but I don't think my parents and Seth would find that humorous considering recent events. Even though everything was back to normal, my parents were still a little on edge about my little "dying" incident.

When the time finally came to go, I begrudgingly rode along with mom, dad, and Seth. Fortunately, my dad wasn't feeling very well so we probably wouldn't stay long. I wasn't happy that my dad was ill, but I couldn't deny that it was perfect timing.

Emily's food was wonderful, which only made me sick to my stomach. What _wasn't_ my cousin good at? No wonder Sam was banging her. She was freaking perfect.

Quil didn't stay very long. He wasn't feeling well, either. Guess there was something going around, or he was hungover again. Old Quil kept looking around nervously, and he finally made an excuse to leave with his Grandson.

Jacob wasn't even there. Billy explained that he was doing chores while Bella kept him company. I scoffed. _Doing chores?_ Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? More than likely the two of them were screwing each other's brains out.

Billy took a sip of his drink.

"The kid's been behind in his work lately." I saw Billy and Sam share a look that I didn't understand.

"Hopefully Bella isn't making too much of a nuisance of herself." Charlie smiled. "I told her if she starts interfering with Jacob's work then she was going to have to stop coming around here for a while." Oh, I _hoped_ Bella was keeping Jacob from getting his chores done. I'd love to see the little nuisance _gone_.

"Oh, no. Not at all. I think Jake works better with Bella around." Billy grinned and shared another look with Sam. "She motivates him." Still had no clue what he was talking about.

Charlie had to excuse himself after dinner because he had to go back to work. He was apparently the only cop in Forks that was brave enough to work nights and deal with all the ignorant little teenagers on spring break breaking curfew and trying to sneak around town. Either that...or he was worried about the fact that Jacob and Bella were _alone_. What horny sixteen-year-old _wouldn't_ try to make a move?

Embry, Paul, and Jared were quick to leave, too. All of the guys were sharing the same look of concern as they left. Sam just gave them each a nod. There seemed to be something really weird to be going on in La Push. The sooner I could get out of this town, the better.

Dad and Billy continued to laugh and talk about their fishing trip a few days ago. I kept hoping that my dad would speak up and say he was tired so we could head home. But that time never came. I was so busy tuning everyone out that I didn't even hear Emily talking to me.

"Your mother and I were talking about going shopping for dresses this weekend. Would you like to come?"

_Do I look like I give a shit_? I frowned to myself, but forced a smile out. "As long as you don't force me to dress up like a princess. I hate dresses. They make me look hideous." _You have to play nice. You have to play nice_. I was having a hard time suppressing the bitch within.

Emily shook her head. "Oh, don't be modest. You look lovely when you dress up, Leah." She laughed softly. "I'm going to look so boring next to you." She glanced down at the floor and sighed, "_I'm_ the one who looks too casual in things."

Sam put his arm around her. "You're going to be the most beautiful bride La Push has ever seen."

When I heard Sam say that I felt a wave of anger overtake me. He shouldn't be saying that to Emily. He should be saying that to me. As soon as he said it, he looked at me regretfully. Everyone else glanced nervously over to me to see how I would react. They were waiting for me to blow up. And I felt like I just might.

I pushed my chair away from the table and stood up. My hands were shaking furiously. I bit my tongue to try and keep from screaming at Sam. It worked.

"Excuse me for a minute." I was able to choke out.

No one said anything. Everybody seemed to be watching my vibrating hands with wide eyes. Billy's face became hard and anxious. Sam's eyes got large. He looked confused. Mom and dad were staring at one another.

I didn't care enough to see how everyone else was reacting to my temper tantrum. I bolted out the front door to try and get some fresh air. But even the cool evening air was not helping my fury. I felt the wind blowing coolly, but I was burning up.

I heard a voice from behind me, "Leah?"

I didn't turn around, because I was afraid I would kill Sam with my bare hands. "Go away, Sam." I growled. I was surprised at the deep throaty grunt that came out of my throat.

"You need to calm down…" He placed his hand on my shoulder.

That did it. I gave in to my anger as I shoved him away from me. I raised my fist to hit him. He looked calm as he raised his arms in defense.

"Don't let your anger control you," he advised.

"Then stop giving me a reason to be angry." I hissed at him.

I lunged forward into the trees. I don't know where I was running to. Away from here. Away from Sam. I just wanted to get away from the pain.

I heard a ripping noise and stopped when I saw shreds of clothing floating in the air around me. It took me a moment to register that it was the blouse I had been wearing. I glanced down and saw that I was covered in fur.

_What the hell…_ I looked at the ground and saw four paws. _Oh…this is not happening. This is NOT happening! I am having a mental breakdown. Yes. I've heard about these. People go insane._

_Leah?_ I recognized the voice almost immediately. _What are…how are…_

_Embry? Where are you_? I questioned. I was surprised when my thoughts echoed to Embry's thoughts. Something happened to my sight. I could see the forest whizzing by my eyes, but I wasn't even moving. This was someone else's vision. _What the hell is going on? Why do I have paws_?

_Werewolves generally have four paws._ Paul's voice echoed in my head.

_Werewolves?_ I managed to choke out.

_Paul, shut up._ Jared ordered.

If I heard any other voices in my head I was going to have myself committed. Oh, well. At least they were familiar voices and they weren't telling me to kill anyone.

_Sam should be…_

Jared was interrupted by a soft ringing in my ears. I felt something change in the atmosphere around me.

_Jared. Paul. See if you can find Jacob. Tell him what's going on. I think he's at his place with Bella,_ Sam ordered. He probably thought that getting rid of them would calm me down. He wasn't wrong. _Embry, I need you to keep running. We don't want Victoria slipping through the cracks._

Who the hell was Victoria? I saw a weird flash in my head, and I understood why I existed now. With that one memory I saw that vampires existed. And that werewolves existed to kill vampires. And who was to blame for this? Bella "whiny-bitch" Swan. She's the one the vampire was after in the first place. There was some long drawn out story involving her ex-boyfriend who happened to be a vampire, but I was too distracted to see it all.

_Bella was banging a vampire?_ I managed to choke out.

_Not exactly,_ Embry said.

I felt the same shift in the air that I had moments ago, and Jared and Paul were gone from my thoughts. I could see through Sam's eyes that he was running towards me. I instinctively let out a growl.

_Stay calm,_ Sam commanded.

Stay calm? Really? I was a fucking werewolf! How was I supposed to stay calm about _that_?

A huge black wolf came through the trees and I backed up. _Get the hell away from me…_

_Take it easy._ Sam's voice rang clearly in my head. Even though I didn't want to listen to a word he had to say...for some reason I automatically let some of my tension go. Sam nodded his big black head. _I know there's a lot on your mind right now. And I'm going to do my best to answer any questions that you might have._

_I've got a question for you. Why won't you leave me the hell alone?_

_I can't leave you alone. It's my duty to make sure that you get through this okay. I want to make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else._ Sam took another calculated step towards me. _You're going to get through this, Leah. _

I let out a snarl. _Thanks for the pep talk. I'm going to bite your nuts off now._

_You're not going to hurt me…_

_Oh, are you going to use your special Jedi powers to keep me from going to the dark side?_ I asked sarcastically. I was starting to think he did have some kind of special power, because he kept me from attacking him.

It was weird sitting here with Sam and sharing all of his thoughts. He was silently letting me in on the past year of his life. I felt my heart sink when I realized that this was the thing that tore us apart. When he changed he couldn't tell me. And that put a strain on our relationship. I cringed when I saw some of our fights from his point of view. Damn, I was one frightening bitch.

Then Emily came into the picture. I closed my eyes to try and make her go away, but I couldn't. I let out a moan.

_Come on, Sam, that's enough!_ This was utter torture. What had I done to deserve this?

Even though he was showing me things from his "pack's" life, I still could feel the love he had for Emily pounding in my head. If I had hands I would have punched myself in the temple to get rid of the image. I would hit myself so damn hard that I'd probably forget grade school math.

His thoughts were interrupted by another change in the air.

_Hey, Sam. I…_ Jacob's voice. He stopped his thoughts mid-sentence. I could hear his shock and confusion at my presence. Apparently Jared and Paul hadn't found him to let him know what was going on yet. _Holy mother of God. Leah?_

The pack obviously didn't know that I was going to be joining them. I heard Embry mumble something about Quil and Seth joining, but not me. I growled when he mentioned Seth wasn't far behind me. This is not something that I would have wished upon my brother. Though, he would probably be stoked to be part of the "in-crowd" again. And it'd be nice for him to be able to hang out with his little buddies again, so he wouldn't spend the rest of his life playing video games, reading comics, and chasing after me in the snow. Plus, I was getting tired of his whining, _"My boyfriends don't like me anymore! Wah! Wah!"_

A thought occurred to me and I let out a laugh. _Ha!_

_When did something funny happen_? Jacob was confused. _Are you actually laughing about the fact that you're a werewolf?_

_Jacob, enough._ Sam let out a warning growl. I felt Jacob cower down. Sam glanced at me softly. _Is everything ok_ay?

I nodded in hysterics. _I get it! I'm dead._ Sam had never started my heart again after it stopped several weeks ago.

_She's cracking up…_ It was Embry this time.

_Just run the damn perimeter and keep your mouth shut,_ Sam snapped.

_This is hell, right?_ I continued to laugh. Of course I would go to hell. I wasn't exactly a nice person.

_You're not dead._ Sam shook his head. He urged me to turn around. For some reason, I listened to him. There was a pool of rainwater at my feet. _Look at yourself._

I lowered my head to cast a reflection of my face. My jaw dropped as I glanced at the gray snout staring back at me. I looked closer and realized that I wasn't dreaming...and unfortunately...I wasn't dead. This was actually happening.

_Wait a minute. So a few nights ago I __wasn't__ tripping out? I actually morphed into a werewolf_? I howled out laughter. _I did find it odd that my nose was covered in dirt and that I was completely naked with leaves sticking to…areas…when I woke up the next morning._

_This isn't the first time you've phased?_ Sam seemed surprised.

_I don't know. I was pretty hammered. Up until now I just thought it was some weird alcohol related dream. I mean, from what I recall I think I saw a talking unicorn and met two angry trolls that lived under a bridge somewhere._

I could hear Sam silently rereading the schedule he'd had for the boys the past couple of days.

_It's possible that no one was running at the time,_ Sam explained.

_Yeah, Leah. You ran us all off._ Jacob laughed.

_You better watch it. I'll send your ass to the vet,_ I snapped.

Jake just shrugged. _If it'd get me out of town for a while, I'm all for it._ I heard from his thoughts that he was worried about being stuck in La Push forever. Even though he gave Sam hell, Jacob still felt a sense of responsibility to his pack. And he would stay as long as they needed him. And the boys in La Push were needy little bastards. Jake was going to be stuck here until he died.

_Let me get this straight._ I frowned._ My destiny was to become a guard dog?_ I grumbled, _Hmm, well…that destiny BLOWS!_

_We're more than that, Leah,_ Sam said.

_Yeah. Giant masses of matted fur,_ I snapped. _I look like a pile of an old woman's gray pubic hairs_! I complained.

_It's really not so bad,_ Embry said softly. _The fur keeps you warm. It's like wearing a really soft jacket._

_So prissy._ Jacob laughed. _I totally have the softest coat._

_Mine's more supple,_ Embry argued.

Sam interrupted their girl-talk. _Jacob, I believe you phased to tell me something?_

_Oh, right. Bella was concerned about you guys. I told her I'd check in to make sure Victoria hadn't ripped you to pieces._ He let out a hard laugh. _Like one vampire would be a match for our pack._

He said the word "pack" with a certain sense of pride that I don't think I was ever going to feel. Not if Sam was a part of this pack.

_He's not just a part. He's the Alpha._ Jacob blurted out.

_Excuse me_? I questioned.

Something occurred to me. So this is why Sam was always taking the law into his own hands. I completely got his whole "protector" crap now. No wonder he was such a territorial asshole. He was an un-neutered male dog.

I laughed as I pictured Sam chasing away Keith Spears. I could see Sam barking at him and pissing on every mailbox in town, _"Mine! All mine! Go sell your stupid Meth somewhere else!"_

_He's top dog. Yep, ole Toto here rules the roost,_ Jacob snorted. I glanced at Sam. He _did_ kind of bear a resemblance to Toto from the _Wizard of Oz_.

_Go back to Bella, Jacob,_ Sam said. He faced me with a softer look on his face. I was getting tired of him treating me like I was some breakable little puppy. _To answer your question...I do lead this pack._

_This does not make me your bitch._ I shook my head.

_I don't look at it that way, either,_ he said. _We work together as a team._

_He just so happens to call all the shots._ Jacob opened his big mouth again. I felt Sam getting frustrated with him. He thought of Emily to calm himself down.

I grumbled to myself about seeing her in his thoughts. Then I smiled a smug little smile because from what I could tell, I was the only female werewolf...which meant that Sam couldn't share his thoughts like this with Emily. Still, it was annoying seeing her all glorified and shit in his mind.

_Knock it off with all of your love for my cousin. This is hard enough as it is,_ I grumbled.

_He can't help it._ Jacob defended Sam. _It's hard for the guy's who have imprinted to think of anyone else. Welcome to my world,_ he grumbled sarcastically.

_Jacob._ This time a snarl escaped Sam's mouth.

_Dude, she has to know about the imprinting thing sooner or later…_

_Imprinting?_ I questioned.

Sam explained imprinting the way that he was explaining everything else. He flashed his memories in my mind.

I inhaled sharply when I found out about the "love at first sight" shit. Apparently, wolves are only supposed to have one mate their entire lives. And when they see them for the first time they can't see anything else. Sam never saw me the way that he saw Emily, and that hurt.

_It's not enough that I have to see you and Emily sucking face all the time? Now I have to watch the sick porno replay in your head?_ I lunged forward into the forest. Sam followed me.

To my surprise, he didn't order me to stop. He said something to Jacob and Embry about letting me run my frustrations out.

I was amazed at the speeds I was able to reach. Maybe being a werewolf wasn't all bad. The running had almost calmed me to a point where I was able to listen to Sam explain how the Quileutes were descended from wolves. Basically, he told me all of the old stories we'd heard when we were younger were true.

He explained that our people had formed a treaty with the Cullens, a family of unusual vampires. Apparently, they didn't hunt humans. That was kind of a pity. I smiled at the thought of Edward Cullen sucking on Bella Swan's neck.

Jacob growled at me, and I just laughed. _Bring it on, Scooby Doo._

_No one is going to fight. We've got too much to figure out here._ Sam looked at me curiously. _This is highly unusual._ He was stunned at the fact there was a female werewolf.

I couldn't help but snap at him, _It's the twenty-first century, Sam. Women have equal rights now. We can be werewolves if we want to._ Though who in their right mind would _choose_ to be a werewolf?

_It just does not make any sense._

_I get it. I'm a freak of nature. Can we move on, please?_

_I didn't mean it like that. I just…_ His thoughts were interrupted as he raised his snout in the air curiously. _Seth?_

I could feel my brother's presence as well. Now not only was _I_ doomed with this stupid curse. My brother was screwed as well. I honestly don't know how much more complicated my life could get.

_Oh. My. God._ Seth realized that he could hear our thoughts.

He sounded like a twelve-year-old girl when he said that.

I let out a whimper and plopped on the ground. This was going to be a long night.


	6. As if my Life didn't Blow enough

**Chapter 6:**

**As if my life didn't blow enough…**

Seth had more questions than a five-year-old asking about sex. I buried my snout in my paws in frustration. As if dealing with Seth's inquisitive nature at home wasn't enough? Now I had to hear his thoughts on a daily basis? I remember when he was little he was constantly asking questions. _Why is the sky blue? Why do we have bellybuttons? Why do dogs bark? Why can't I have cookies for dinner? Why do we need air to breathe?_ He'd once asked me a question about death after a neighbor's gerbil died. He asked me why things had to die. I was so irritated at the time that I responded, "Because you touch yourself in the bathtub." He cried for three days.

_Sam? Is that you? What's going on_? he questioned curiously.

_Just keep walking until you see a clearing. We're here with your sister._

_Jeeze, everyone is phasing lately. It's a pandemic,_ Jacob muttered to himself sarcastically.

I sighed, _Why couldn't I have just gotten the black plague instead? That's a pandemic I could deal with easier._

_I don't understand what's going on._ Seth was confused. I saw a small sandy wolf cautiously enter the clearing. When he saw Sam and I, his jaw dropped.

_Hey, kid,_ I sighed.

_Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap,_ Seth stuttered in thought. He regained his composure. _No way…_ He looked over at Embry. _This is what everyone has been hiding from me?_

_Welcome to our world,_ Embry said. There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

_How did this happen?_ Seth questioned.

_Well, when a mommy wolf and a daddy wolf get together they make little baby wolves…_ I rolled my eyes.

I sat through the whole "introductory speech" again. Seth was more into the history than I was. It was really boring me. Jacob phased back to be with his user girlfriend. We had lost all track of the time. Sam realized that the sun would be coming up in a few hours.

_We do need to speak with the Elders about this, especially considering Leah has joined our ranks. And though we were expecting you, Seth, we weren't expecting you this soon._

_Yeah, what set you off?_ I was curious. Seth rarely had anything to be angry about. He was like a natural sedative.

_I don't know._ Seth shrugged. _I was just sitting at the table listening to everyone mumbling about the tribe. No one would answer any of my questions. I could tell they were worried about Leah, but they wouldn't tell me why._ He chuckled to himself. _Though, if you think about it, what would they have to worry about? Aren't werewolves indestructible?_

_Not entirely._ Sam shook his head. _Everyone has weaknesses._

_What could possibly weaken werewolves? An in-heat female dog?_ I rolled my eyes.

_Can we die?_ Seth asked.

_We're stronger than humans, but we still have vulnerabilities,_ Sam explained.

_Oh, really? Do tell._ I glanced at Sam. As soon as he told me what made us vulnerable I was going to use that against him as quickly as possible.

Seth continued with his "my first phasing" tale_. Anyway, since everyone was ignoring me I snuck out the back door. I was pacing around, and the next thing I knew I was hearing Leah bitch about women's rights or something._ He paused. _Is there something I should be doing, Sam? _He was awaiting orders? God, he was such a little suck up.

_There is a lot more that we need to discuss, but for now you two go home. I'm sure your parents are concerned about you._

_As they should be. Their kids are freaking WOLVES!_ I exclaimed. I frowned. _How come no one thought of mentioning this to me in passing? "Hey, Leah. Nice day out. Oh, and by the way…you morph into a GIANT DOG!"_

_I didn't know. And even if I did…_ He paused. I figured out the rest of what he was going to say. He wouldn't have told me. I had seen in his thoughts all the stupid laws that came with being a wolf. I wonder how long it was going to take me to break them all. I gave myself three days. Seth said it was probably going to be more like three hours.

_Sam, how do we…change back?_ Seth questioned quietly.

_First, I would advise that you get as close to your property as possible. Running around the forest naked isn't exactly low key._

_Who said anything about me being naked?_ Seth asked in confusion.

_Do you think our clothes are just going to magically reappear on us when we change back?_ I laughed bitterly. My brother could be so naïve sometimes.

_Oh, yeah. Right._ Seth nodded.

_Just concentrate on being human…_

_But we're __NOT__ human,_ I snorted.

_Don't be difficult, Leah._ It was a command from my fearless leader this time.

If he _commanded_ me to do one more thing I was going to claw him up one side and down the other.

_I know you don't like it..._ Well, that was an understatement if I'd ever heard one,_ ...but it's important that you listen to me._

_I never listened to you when we were dating. Why should I start now?_

_Because I said so._ Another command. That was such a "mommy" thing to say. I was _not_ one of Sam's kids. I growled, but I stayed frozen in place. Damn it. Every fiber in my being wanted to bite him in the ass, but I couldn't will myself to do it.

I unwillingly silenced myself. I managed to grumble out "Freaking Nazi" before I let Sam explain how we were supposed to phase back. Personally, I didn't need an explanation. I'd become this monster when I lost my temper. Common sense dictated that as soon as I had my anger under control I could be human again. I groaned when I realized that I was beyond angry. I was irate. I sighed. I was going to stay a wolf for the rest of my miserable existence.

Seth and I ran back to the edge of my property line. We crossed an old sign on the way that said "No dogs allowed."

_That's pretty funny._ Seth admitted when we ran by the sign.

I rolled my eyes. _Hilarious._

Sam had been following us at a distance to make sure Seth and I got home okay. I groaned the entire way home about how I didn't need him to babysit me.

I'm still not sure how Sam was able to ignore my hostility. Maybe because he'd shattered my heart into a million pieces he felt the need to be less commanding with me. And as horrible as I knew it was, I started thinking of ways to use that to my advantage. I knew he could hear me, but he didn't seem to care.

_Phasing back is a lot easier when you clear your mind,_ Sam explained.

_Gee, let me just clear my mind of the fact that I'm alone, pissed, and a werewolf,_ I snapped. _I don't need a step by step guideline on how to grow two less legs._

Seth intervened softly, _Um, I might…_

_Just imagine it happening and it will,_ Sam advised us.

I closed my eyes tightly and pictured Sam being attacked by rabid squirrels. I laughed in amusement and opened my eyes. I was a little disappointed that I didn't see a bunch of angry little critters attached to Sam's nuts. Sam didn't find my thought humorous.

_A girl can dream, can't she?_ I questioned.

_Leah, do you want to go first? Or do you want me to?_ Seth questioned.

_I don't give a rats ass. Let's just go together,_ I suggested.

I felt Seth cower at my thought. It took me a minute to realize that he was _uncomfortable_ with the idea of me seeing his "forbidden zone."

I laughed at his squeamishness. _I used to change your diapers, Seth._

_That's different. I'm a man now._

_You still wear Spiderman boxers._

_Dude! Leah, not cool!_ Seth snapped at me.

_Stop being such a baby about this. Hell, I see you running around the house naked all the time. And by the way, you might want to get that mole on your ass checked out._ I teased him. It was so fun to harass my brother. He was such a sensitive little thing.

Seth had finally had enough of my torture. _Yeah? Well, I think I'll name it after you since it's discolored and hairy._

_Look whose testicles finally descended._ I snickered.

_Why does everything have to be a fight with you?_ Sam questioned.

_Do you really want me to answer that_? My joking mood had suddenly vanished.

_Enough._ Another command. Wow, this command thing was going to get old. It was already pissing me off. I wanted nothing more than to fight back and call him a dipshit. But I couldn't. It sucked.

_Sam, I think Seth and I can handle it from here. Why don't you go fall off of a cliff?_ I suggested.

_I'm not leaving until Seth tells me he feels comfortable with the situation._

_I don't think I'll ever be comfortable seeing my sister's bush,_ Seth muttered. I could feel how embarrassed he was that his comment wasn't silent. He was so used to thinking his smartass comments to himself that it was hard for him to remember that his thoughts weren't just his anymore.

_Look at it this way: I'll be covered in less fur than I am now._ I couldn't help but make him feel uncomfortable.

_You're a perv._ Seth choked out a dry heave. He shook his head. I could tell from his thoughts that he was trying to focus on phasing back. Phasing is what Sam and the others called changing from wolf to human or from human to wolf. Personally, I think it sounded stupid. _Phasing_. Sounded like something a taser gun might do. "It phases perpetrators and handsy drunken jerkoffs!"

Seth was able to phase back. I was actually kind of proud of him…until he tripped over the garden hose.

_Smooth move, idiot,_ I mumbled to myself.

He shook it off and then snuck through his window on the other side of the house.

_Go easy on him. He's still so young._

_I'm his sister. It's in my contract to torture him._ I shrugged.

_He's taking this exceptionally well. Better than any of the others. Better than…_ He drifted off.

_Better than me_? I finished what I knew he had to be thinking. I sighed and shook my head. _Seth and I may be related, but we're completely different people. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that he is able to handle all of this so maturely. But the fact of the matter is...I'm not happy about this situation. And I'm not going to pretend like I am._ I paused. _I'm already pretending to be happy for you and Emily. I don't think I can pretend about this, too._ I took a few steps forward.

_I know it's hard…_

_No, you don't,_ I snarled at him. _You can't. Because until you've handed your heart to someone only to watch them shove it in a blender, you can't imagine what I'm going through. You and Emily have each other, so don't sit there and tell me that you can sympathize with me. You didn't have the love of your life walk out on you…_

Even though I could feel Sam's resentment, I didn't feel bad about sharing how I was really feeling with him.

_Things got complicated…_

_You're damn right they did._ I rolled my eyes. I sighed, _You know, I thought my life sucked three weeks ago. I thought to myself…"gee, how could things get any worse than this?"_ I laughed. _Well, question answered!_ I grunted angrily.

There was a long pause before Sam responded, _Things will get better. I promise._

_Yeah, like I'm ever going to believe any of your promises again._ I frowned. _Maybe you should leave me alone. You being here is only pissing me off. And I'd like to phase back sometime today…_

Sam started to run home. He didn't say anything else directed at me. He grumbled a few orders at Embry, and then started thinking about Emily again. That was all the motivation I needed to get the hell out of this fur coat.

Before I knew it I was climbing through my bedroom window wearing nothing but a scowl on my face. Strangely enough, this wasn't the first time that I had climbed through my bedroom window naked before.

I glanced out the window and let out a sigh. I was a goddamn dog...


	7. God must Hate me

**Chapter 7:**

**God must hate me**

I had barely gotten some clothes on when I heard a light rapping at my door. My first instinct was to leap into bed and pull the covers up over my head. I'd done the whole "fake sleep" routine so many times that it was practically second nature to me. But my parents knew something weird was up. My dad was part of the Tribal Council. He believed all the stories our tribe told…because they were true. I'm sure mom knew, too. So why should I lie to them?

"It's open."

Seth surprised me when he popped his head in. I saw relief on his face when he realized that I was wearing clothes. I thought about flashing him just to make him cringe.

"Mom and dad want to talk to us."

"Right now?" I was surprised. Seth and I had barely just gotten through the door. I glanced out the window and saw that the night sky was breaking with daylight.

"They're waiting for us in the kitchen."

I followed my brother down the hall and into the kitchen. Mom and dad were both sitting at the kitchen table staring at us. I tried to read the emotions on their faces, but there were so many feelings conflicting in their eyes that I couldn't tell exactly what they felt. I could see mom trying to calm herself through her breathing.

Dad spoke first. "You two were out with Sam all night?"

"Not willingly," I muttered. Seth nodded at dad's statement.

Dad glanced at the ground, "Hmm. So, it's true then?"

"If you're referring to the fact that mom had an affair with Benji, then yes. We _are_ part dog." I was still in a foul mood from that last conversation I'd had with Sam.

"Leah Clearwater, you better shut that smart mouth of yours this instant," Mom snapped at me. Of course she would be the "bad cop" in this scenario. Mom was always the one who scared Seth and me into doing our chores. My dad was just so easy-going and easy to manipulate.

Instant guilt came over me. "Sorry." I hated that mom had that affect on me.

Dad took a deep breath and let out a sigh, "I did _not_ want this for you."

What a coincidence. Neither did I. And I couldn't speak for Seth, but I don't think transforming into a giant wolf was on his "to do" list, either.

"I understand that things happen for a reason. Our paths are set before we are even born…"

I snorted, "Yeah, well, I guess when I was mapping out my life I should have said 'hold the morphing dog bit.'" _Yes, I'd like an order of heartbreak in a light screw me over sauce. Oh, but hold the werewolf…_ I shook my head. "I must have done something to seriously piss someone off in another life."

"This is not because you have done anything wrong." My dad's face was firm and rigid now. He looked at me and Seth. "Though I still can't quite understand how this happened."

"It's not so bad." Seth tried to ease our parents' concerns. I let him do his thing. Sometimes he had a way of putting mom and dad completely at ease. The kid had a face of an angel. Which was fitting considering his sister was the devil. He played the "sweet kid" routine, but that wasn't going to work on mom and dad this morning.

"It's no use trying to bullshit your old man." Dad frowned at my brother. "Your mother and I know what this entails. The sacrifices, the commitment, the danger…"

"Sounds like my last relationship." I tried to lighten the mood. It didn't help.

"We know that we can't ask you _not_ to do this," Mom said sadly.

_Yes you can! Forbid us from turning us into wolves! Ground us! Lock us in crates_! I wanted to beg.

Mom continued, "You two have responsibilities now…"

_Responsible? Me? Are you listening to yourself? I'm the LEAST responsible person in this town!_

"And it's important that you do your duties…"

I looked over at Seth. With his puny little teenage mind I know that he was silently giggling to himself, _Hee hee. She said "duty."_

"So all your father and I ask of you is that you be very careful. And take care of each other." Mom finished her little speech.

Seth was eager to please our parents. "Okay. We can do that."

They looked at me for confirmation. I just told them what they wanted to hear.

"Sure. Whatever." Of course I'd keep an eye on Seth. But I couldn't promise that I wouldn't stay out of danger. It seems that everywhere that I went, trouble wasn't far behind.

The kitchen was silent. I waited for some other long speech, but that seemed to be all they had this morning. They were done, and invited us to go about our lives as normally as we could. I shrugged. I was already up. Might as well eat. I made myself a bowl of cereal and started to eat. Mom disappeared to do some laundry.

Seth yawned, "I think I'm going to crash for a little while." He said something about sleeping the rest of spring break, and then shut his bedroom door.

Dad thumbed mindlessly through the paper as I inhaled my cereal. I could tell he wanted to say something, but he was holding back. He finally cleared his throat and glanced at me.

"Sam treating you okay?"

He'd caught me completely off guard. "Uh, I guess?"

"Good. Cuz if he hurts you again I'll deal with him myself, werewolf or not…"

Was my father really willing to face off against a werewolf for me? That was really sweet.

"You just let me know if he isn't behaving himself."

"Thanks, dad. I will." I smiled at my father.

His eyes were sad again. "I really am sorry that you have to go through this."

_Not as sorry as I am_. I wasn't going to lie to him. He'd always been truthful when he was raising me. The least I could do was return the favor. "Yeah. It sucks." I shrugged. "But, whatever. I'll deal."

He smiled at me. "You always do. You're a pretty good kid, Leah."

"Yeah, when I'm not off selling my body on the street corner." I winked at my dad. He chuckled softly. I really loved that my dad understood me. No one else in my family seemed to get my sense of humor.

The kitchen became silent again. After I polished off my cereal, I sat at the table for a minute to take in the silence. I guess I was going to have to learn to appreciate the quiet moments since I was going to be sharing thoughts with six other people now. Seven when Quil joined…which Sam thought was going to be fairly soon. Great. Another little whiny sissy who wanted to talk about his feelings.

I was drawn back into reality when I heard my dad hacking up a cough. It was amazing how much my hearing had intensified. I could hear mom fluttering around the house humming to herself as she cleaned God-knows what. Seth was snoring loudly in his room. I grumbled silently. That was going to get annoying at night. I was going to have to invest in some earplugs…or shove a sock in his mouth to muffle his snores.

My ears were so sensitive that I could hear my dad's heart thumping in his chest as he leaned forward to grab another section of the paper. I cocked my head curiously. Something didn't seem right about his pulse. I looked at him and saw that he was sweating. He looked clammy and pale.

"Hey, dad, you feeling okay?" I questioned.

"Other than a bit of indigestion..." I saw him wince in discomfort.

Though his voice was calm, my new little sixth sense was telling me that something was off.

I frowned to let him know that I wasn't buying it. "Your heart rate is three times what it should be…" He furrowed his brow in confusion, probably wondering how I knew that. I pointed to my ears. "Werewolf. Remember?" Though most of the situation sucked, having heightened senses was kind of cool. It was like being drunk. But without all of that damn hangover crap. It was a nice buzz.

My dad nodded. I really didn't like the way he was looking right now.

I stood up. "I'm going to get mom."

Dad shook his head. "Your mom has enough to worry about." His breathing had increased. "This is nothing. It will pass."

"Don't be an idiot, dad. Something is wrong." He was my father, and he was ordering me around as such. But I'd never really obeyed my dad before. And I sure as hell wasn't going to start now.

He followed me in to the living room.

"Leah, I'm…" He stopped mid-sentence. I turned around to see why. He was leaning forward on the arm of the couch trying to catch his breath.

I rushed over to help him keep his balance. "Dad?" I felt the panic building in my stomach.

"Just give me a minute to…" He grunted in pain and I saw him tighten his grip on the couch.

"Mom!!" My voice sounded so panicked that I didn't even recognize it. "Mom!" I didn't know what else to yell. "Dad's having a heart attack" might be a little too tactless.

I helped my dad sit down on the couch. Mom came tearing into the living room with Seth behind her. I guess my frantic girly screaming had roused Seth from his nap. He hadn't even taken any time to put on a pair of pants. Where had he found glow in the dark Spiderman underwear for someone his age?

My focus shifted to my mother.

"Leah, what's…" She saw my dad gasping for air on the couch. "Oh, God. Harry, what's wrong?"

My dad looked up at her through his pain and said the most sensible thing he'd said all morning, "I think we should call someone…"

Very calmly, my mom leaped into action. She called 911.

Waiting for the ambulance seemed like an eternity. Seth paced around the living room while mom made a few phone calls. The very first was to Billy Black. Billy was my dad's best friend. I don't know what good my mom thought a guy in a wheelchair would do. I could see Billy wheeling in at high speeds, "Hey, guys. I'm here to save the day…oh, can someone please help me over the threshold? The wheel is sticking again…"

Dad's condition continued to decline. I could tell mom was panicking, but she was trying not to let her fear show, so as not to freak Seth and me out. It amazed me that she was able to think of her children and react so calmly.

When mom sat down next to him and took his hand, I started to get restless. Where the hell was the ambulance? Had they stopped for burgers or something? My hands started to shake. And as much as I hated to leave my father's side, I knew that I didn't have control of this "werewolf" thing yet. I'd hate for him to survive a heart attack only to be accidentally mauled by his own daughter.

Seth's hands were shaking, too.

"I'm freaking out," he whispered. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, Lee."

I laughed sarcastically. "I've been waiting my whole life for you to say that to me. And now I don't know what to tell you."

"Tell me he's going to be okay."

He wanted me to lie to him? There was no denying that my dad was in rough shape. I glanced over at him. I could see how much pain he was in. And it pissed me off. My entire life I'd been this over-protective violent person. I'd always settled my problems by beating them to death. I growled. If this pain that was hurting my dad had an ass I would rip it to pieces.

Dad looked back over at us weakly. He saw how frightened we were.

"I'm going to be okay, guys."

For some reason, I didn't believe him.

He was unconscious by the time the ambulance finally got there. When the paramedics asked what was wrong, I wanted to smack them.

_The man is dying you dumbasses. What...do you think we called you out here just for funsies?_ I had to call upon every ounce of self-control that I had to keep from exploding into a wolf in our living room.

As they loaded him into the ambulance my mom started to look around helplessly.

"Does someone want to ride with him?" one of the paramedics asked. Basically, I think he was telling us that dad's outcome did not look good, and if he crashed it might be good to have someone with him.

I took a breath to keep myself calm. "Go ahead. Seth and I will follow you in the car."

Mom didn't know what else to say so she nodded and followed the paramedics into the ambulance.

"Hey, put some clothes on," I advised my brother. He had been so distracted that he was still running around in his underwear. "Unless you want everyone in town to know that you're secretly five-years-old."

Seth was lacking with the smartass remarks as he disappeared down the hallway. I paced around the kitchen looking for the keys to mom's car. She and Dad usually left the keys in the exact same spot. But they weren't there. Oh, what a brilliant daughter I was. How the hell were Seth and I supposed to get to the hospital now? I was kicking myself for being such an idiot.

_Stupid, STUPID me! How could I not ask where mom put the keys?_

I felt all of my emotions working their way to the surface. My hands were vibrating violently. I slammed my fist down on the counter in frustration as the tears burned my eyes.

I glanced down and saw that in my moment of anger I had managed to knock a chunk out of my mother's counter. She was going to kill me. I was going to have to get a handle on my anger in the future or I might accidentally knock the entire house down just because I was PMSing or something…if my body still even _worked_ that way. Now I was angry about the fact that dad was having a heart attack _and_ because I was werewolf. My life really did suck.

I just couldn't seem to calm myself down. My head felt like it was on fire. The kitchen was starting to spin.

"Shit…" I realized what was going on. I dashed out the back door just in time to hear the rip from within my body.

_There goes that outfit…_ I snapped to myself.

_Leah?_ Great. Sam's presence was only going to irritate me further.

Jacob was running, too. He let out a laugh.

_We were taking bets on how long it was going to be before you lost your temper and phased,_ Jake said. _I win._

My thoughts were so jumbled that I couldn't formulate a response.

Jared piped in, _It's a good thing, though. We could use help tracking the redheaded leech._

_I'm not helping with anything,_ I snarled. I had more important things to worry about.

_Leah, what's wrong?_ Sam questioned.

_Leave me alone, Sam,_ I snapped. I said that a lot. And he never listened.

Even though I didn't say anything, Sam saw everything in my thoughts. Everyone was silent.

_I'm on my way._ I saw that Sam was running to tell Emily what was going on. What the hell was Emily going to do to help the situation? Boil some water? Bake a cake? I just shook my head. I didn't have the time...or the patience to argue with him.

Jacob changed his path as well. _I'll let my dad know…_

_He was the first person my mom called._ I let Jacob know that his dad was probably already on his way to the hospital. I wasn't sure how he'd get there.

_I'm sure he called Charlie. They're probably riding up together._ Jacob was certain.

_Jacob. Jared. It's important that we don't let the vampire breech security. Keep her at bay, and I'll be back as soon as I can._ Sam was almost home.

I was getting a headache from all this information. It was completely overloading my brain.

_Leah, you should probably phase back and get to the hospital,_ Jared said softly.

_Duh!_ Did he think I was an idiot? I'd phase back if I could. I just had to focus. I needed to calm myself down and I could…

…stand in the middle of my backyard butt-naked. Clearly, my body was giving me what I wanted. I'd phased back mid-thought.

I dashed inside the house. I was able to grab a towel from the laundry room before Seth walked in on me.

He stared at me for a second, and then held out the car keys.

"Where the hell did you find them?" I questioned.

"On the counter next to the door."

I had looked there and hadn't seen them. How had I missed that? Oh, right, because I was a blind moron.

Seth continued to stare at me. "You might want to put some clothes on..." He finally had a comeback for earlier, "...unless you want everyone in town to know that you're secretly a stripper."

Thank God for my brother making me laugh. For a split second I forgot that my dad was being rushed into the hospital.

As soon as I threw another outfit on I jumped behind the driver's seat of my mom's car. Seth and I didn't really talk on the way to the hospital. I was guessing it was that "shock" thing I'd always heard about. Normally, _I_ was the one _causing_ the shock, so to be on the other end of it was a bit eerie.

We got there fairly quickly. The little car reached speeds that I didn't even know were possible. I looked down at one point and thought the speedometer was broken. Pulling into the parking lot I almost ran over some cranky fat woman with a cane. I heard her shouting at me and looked back and saw her waving her cane in the air. But I didn't care. When I turned the car's engine off I felt Seth's hand gently touch my arm. I glanced over at him.

"Leah, I'm scared," he admitted. Even though he was going to be fifteen in a few weeks, Seth looked like a terrified five-year-old right now. I wanted nothing more than to embrace him in a hug and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But I had no clue what we were going to find walking through those hospital doors. I glanced at the entrance and then back to Seth.

I let out a sigh, "Me, too." I had never been afraid of anything. My mom used to tease me, telling me that I should have come out of her with a parachute because I just flew out. The doctor had to catch me mid-air. She told me that when I'd starting wailing that my cry wasn't "waaahhh!" it was "wheee!" She described how I'd punched the doctor because my arms were flailing around so much. I think I was just hitting back after the doctor slapped me on my little infant ass. "You want a piece of me, Doc? Bring it on!"

I had never been afraid of anything. When I was two I got chased by a huge stray dog. I turned around and kicked him in the head. He never came after me again. When I was five a bunch of older boys tried to scare me with a snake they'd found. I took it home and begged my mom to let me keep it as a pet. At twelve, when I went trick-or-treating with some friends for Halloween some jackass thought it would be funny to scare us by chasing us around with a chainsaw. I found a baseball bat and ran towards him screaming like a maniac.

Fear had never been a factor in my life. I didn't think there was anything on this planet that could scare me. But today, for the first time in my life...I was shaken down to my core.


	8. Death Sucks

**Chapter 8:**

**Death Sucks**

The waiting room was filled with people that knew my dad. Somehow Sam had beat me out here. I guess he came on foot. Charlie and Billy were wearing the same blank looks on their faces. Mom was sitting calmly in a chair with her face buried in her hands.

I walked over and silently sat down next to her. She looked up and I could see that she had been crying. I imagine the ride in the ambulance had not been easy for her.

"We don't know anything yet," she said with a heavy sigh.

"Sounds about right. Doctors around here don't know their asses from their faces." Any moron could get a medical license nowadays. I was fully convinced that all someone needed to do to become a doctor was to own a stethoscope and know the phrase, "Take this drug, this drug, and this drug. And call me in a week to let me know that you're not dead. That will be five hundred dollars please."

I glanced down and saw that my mother's hands were trembling. There was nothing I could say to make this situation any better, so I just took her hand and squeezed it gently.

"It's okay." She squeezed back. Incredible. _She_ was comforting _me_? "It'll be okay, honey."

I grimaced. She used to tell me that all the time when I was a child when something went wrong. And it was never was okay. I learned very early on that when your parents tell you "everything is going to be okay" that it really meant, "Oh, shit. We're screwed."

I looked at my mother's serene face, and I knew it was a complete bold-faced lie. But I loved her more at this very moment than I had my entire life. She was stronger than I had ever given her credit for. She looked like she was in so much pain, yet she still had the strength to comfort me.

Charlie made his way over to us.

"How are you girls doing? Do you need anything?" he questioned.

_Yes, can you turn back time and keep my dad from eating nothing but crap for the past five years?_ _And while you're at it, can you make me NOT a werewolf?_

My mom answered before I had a chance to. "No. Thank you, Charlie."

It was about that time that dad's doctor walked through the doors. Dr. Scott had been my dad's doctor for years. Apparently, he had been on call all night and was getting ready to leave when my father came in. He'd automatically jumped in to help.

My mother let go of my hand as she stood up to greet him. Seth was next to us in an instant. Everyone leaned in to hear what he had to say. Unfortunately, I already _knew_ what he was going to say.

"Sue…" he said softly.

He didn't have to say anything else. His expression said it all. I had to wonder how often that doctors sat at home trying to perfect their mask of stoicism. However long you worked on it, sometimes it was hard to hide the truth. But I wanted more than anything for him to lie to us right now. Because I could see the truth written all over his face. And it was going to suck.

My mom caught on to his expression as well.

"No…" She inhaled sharply. "No, no…" That seemed to be the only word her brain could find at the moment. It's better than the one my brain was finding.

_Fuck! Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck._

"We did everything we could…"

Though Doctor Scott's mouth was moving, I couldn't hear anything he was saying. My ears were ringing and my stomach started doing flips. I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I even went as far as pinching myself, praying that this was some kind of bad dream. I looked at Seth, whose mouth was hanging open in shock.

"I'm so sorry…" Dr. Scott touched my mom's shoulder softly.

Mom didn't say anything for a minute. I could see her swaying and losing her balance. I shot my hands out to keep her from falling and cracking her head on the floor. Her hands clutched my arms for support. Her fingernails dug in deeper than she realized.

"He's…he's…" She couldn't say the word. Because if she said that he was dead then that would mean that she was accepting my father's fate. And she wasn't ready to do that. None of us were.

Dr. Scott continued to apologize. I never did understand why people felt the need to constantly say "sorry" when someone died. Saying sorry never helped any situation because it can't take back the action that the person is sorry for. The doctor nodded his head in sympathy. I heard Seth let out a moan from beside me. And mom had a steady stream of tears running down her face.

I started to grind my teeth together in irritation. This was unbelievably unfair. What horrible heinous thing had we done to deserve to lose my father? My hands were shaking. Everyone around me was consumed by their grief. I was the only person here not crying. I was too enraged to cry. If it weren't for the fact that I was helping my mother stand at the moment, I would have picked up the chair behind me and threw it through the wall. I never was one to cry. I usually just threw things and hit people.

Once I had gotten so frustrated with Sam that I punched a brick wall. Yeah, I hadn't thought that one completely through. When I walked into the house with my bloody knuckles dad had asked me who had pissed me off. When I told him that I'd hit the wall, he stared at me blankly for a minute and then responded,

"Why? What'd the wall do to you?"

He'd made me laugh. I suddenly realized that I was never going to see him smile again. I closed my eyes tightly so I could store that specific memory. That's when it hit me. My dad was gone.

A knot formed in my throat, and my heart dropped. I started to sway like my mother had just seconds ago. I felt my brother's hands. One to help steady mom, and one to help steady me.

I took a few steps back and the room started spinning.

Seth whispered softly, "Breathe, Leah. You're turning purple." I hadn't even realized that I was holding my breath.

I took in a pained breath. My nose felt like it was on fire. It took a moment for my brain to get the oxygen before I noticed that the scenery around me had changed. Charlie, Billy, and Sam were comforting us. I backed away uncomfortably. I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want to be comforted. I wanted my father.

Charlie and Billy stuttered something out to the doctor about paperwork and arrangements. My brain wasn't processing normal English language at the moment. All I could hear was a faint buzzing sound.

I started to get hot and I could feel my face perspiring. My hands were still shaking. They hadn't stopped since I'd phased back at the house.

Sam didn't miss my trembling. "It's okay. It's going to be okay, Leah."

No, it fucking wasn't. One second my father was sitting across from me at the kitchen table pretending to read the business section while I know he was secretly reading the funnies. And the next he was gone.

I started to hyperventilate and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I had to get out of here. Running is always what I had done best. I backed away from my family without them even knowing. They were too busy being "comforted."

As I raced down the hallway desperately looking for a place to be alone all I could see in my head was my dad's face. And the last words he'd said to me before he died. "I'm going to be okay" my ass.

"Why would you lie to me, dad?" I hadn't meant the words to be said out loud, but there was absolutely no filter in my brain at the moment.

I turned a corner and somehow ended up in an empty room. I slid my back against the wall, exhausted. I closed my eyes as my breathing picked up. Right now I was wishing more than anything that I _had_ died three weeks ago. Because this pain was absolutely unbearable. Hell, I'd take the pain of freezing to death _gladly_ now.

I could taste bile in my mouth. As I brought my vibrating hands to my face I heard footsteps closing in on me. But I didn't care. At this point I couldn't feel anything besides my chest tightening up.

"Leah? Are you in here?" Fuck. It was Sam. It was _always_ Sam. Sure, he was able to kick me out of his life, but somehow I still managed to get pulled back in where I did not want to be. But I was too tired to punch him and tell him to go lick someone's ass, so I just let out a sigh and answered him.

"Yeah." I glanced up in time to see him round the corner. "What do you want?"

He saw that my hands were shaking. "If you're going to phase you should probably get out of here."

"I'm not going to phase, Sam…" My hands stopped shaking as my stomach tensed up. "I'm going to vomit." I looked around and saw that there was a small metal garbage can sitting a few feet away from me. I grabbed it and threw up everything I had eaten in like the past three weeks. I glanced at the vomit. When had I eaten lettuce?

Sam sat down next to me and I let out a groan. But I didn't shove him away. I didn't have the strength to do anything but sit there like a pathetic little wimp.

"God, why does this shit keep happening to me?" I was the unluckiest person in the entire world. I must have had a giant target on my forehead that said "bad things gather here."

He repeated what he'd said a few minutes ago, "It's going to be okay." He embraced me in a hug.

I had enough strength to shove him away this time. I didn't want his sympathy.

I growled at him, "My dad's dead. How can that be okay?"

"Bad things happen, Leah…"

"Yeah. To me. Continuously," I snapped.

"I know it feels like the world is ending right now…"

I scoffed. It would be too much to ask for a giant meteor to crash into the world at this very moment obliterating every feeling I was dealing with…and setting Sam on fire so he could finally feel the pain that I was enduring.

"...but you'll make it through this."

I looked at him with pure sorrow. "No. I won't." I swallowed a knot in my throat. "Because the one person who can help me through this is gone." My bottom lip started to tremble. Normally I didn't like to cry. And I sure as hell didn't want to cry in front of Sam Uley. But I couldn't help it. "I want my dad," I cried. My hands started shaking again.

"I know," Sam said quietly.

I started to get frustrated because I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

"Oh, God. This sucks. I can't do this. I don't want to do this." I pulled my trembling hands back up to my face again. "I want it to stop. I don't want this to be happening. Tell me that I'm dreaming. Or that I'm dead. Tell me…something, anything other than…"

"Leah?" My brother's voice filled the room. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and shook my head. I knew that as soon as I saw his saddened face I would completely lose it. My head was throbbing again. I growled out angrily and slammed my head against the wall as hard as I could. It didn't help. But I was stubborn, so I tried again.

"What are you doing?" Seth questioned.

"Trying to give myself brain damage. What does it look like?" I was surprised at how strained my voice sounded.

"That's not going to help the situation any," Sam said.

Sure it would. Swelling in my brain is just what the doctor ordered. If I could give myself a concussion then maybe I would forget the pain that I'd had in my life. I smacked my head against the wall again.

"Stop it." Seth snapped down and pulled my hands away from my face. He forced me to look at him. "He's gone, Leah." He sighed and took my face in his hands. I could see how much he was hurting, too, and that just made me feel worse. I don't think there was anything he could say to get me up off of this floor. "Mom needs us." Except that. "We have to be strong for her." Seth choked out.

He was right. The pain that my brother and I were feeling was nothing compared to what my mother must be going through. She lost the love of her life this morning.

"Charlie's with her right now," Seth explained. "He's helping with some paperwork." I saw him glance away to hide his heartache. "She's doing the best she can, Leah, but she can't do it alone."

"I don't know if I can handle this." Wait, had I said that out loud? Damn it, where the hell was the filter in my brain?

"We'll help you," Sam said. I rolled my eyes. Wow, that made me feel _so_ much better. My ex-boyfriend who had dumped me was going to help me get through the death of my father. That sounded like a lame episode of some angst-filled teenage TV show.

"Sam, can I talk to my sister alone please?"

"Of course." Sam was out of the room in a heartbeat. I was surprised that he'd granted Seth's request. I wondered if Seth could manage to keep Sam away from me for the rest of my life.

"I can't take any more speeches, Seth." Words meant nothing to me, especially at this very moment.

"Good, cuz I don't have one prepared." He took a deep breath. "Dr. Scott wants to know if we want to see dad."

"What?" My head shot up. Ow, I think I'd just given myself whiplash.

"To…say goodbye."

The room was completely silent. I couldn't understand who in their right mind would want to see someone they loved laying dead on some cold steel table. God, it would be like a horrible museum exhibit, "And here to our right is my Great Grandfather. He died of natural causes. And if you look to the left you'll see Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe got his face blown off in an explosion so pay no attention to the fact that he looks like a giant waffle."

Seth's words finally hit me. _Say goodbye_. I didn't want to say those words to my father. Seth could see my hesitation.

"You don't have to do it," he said quietly.

"But I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't." I knew I would always ask myself "what-if" if I didn't do this. I closed my eyes again and my dad's face was staring back at me.

"Leah, would you like to go with mom and me to see dad?"

I opened my eyes and my dad was gone.

"I'll go."

Seth was probably right. We needed closure. I tried to pull myself up, but my emotions had drained my energy to the point where all I could do was slide back to the floor. I let out a sigh.

"You can do this, Leah." Seth offered his hand. I stared at his hand for a moment before I accepted his help. He helped me off of the floor. Now the next step was going to be to get me moving. I felt frozen in place.

I sighed and let a tear slide down my cheek. "I'm sorry, Seth."

"For what?"

"You shouldn't have to pick your big sister up off of the floor." Another tear ran down my cheek. Seth used his thumb to brush the tears away and leaned his forehead against mine. He pulled back after a second and kissed my forehead tenderly...just like dad used to do when I was little. He embraced me and I fell into him as he hugged me tightly.

"It's what families do," Seth said calmly. "We help one another in times of crisis."

I pulled away from him to look at him closely. Today was the first day I could see him as anything other than a child. He had grown up incredibly fast. He was being so mature about this. We handled things much differently. Sometimes I didn't think the two of us were really related.

I let out a sad soft laugh. "When did you get all wise and shit?"

"Guess we had good parents."

I didn't miss the past tense. I looked at the floor and sighed, "This is going to be hard."

"We'll manage. We always do." He sounded _exactly_ like dad when he said that.

I shook my head. "God, I'm a shitty sister. I'm sorry. You deserve better." For someone who hated the phrase "I'm sorry," I sure was saying it a lot today. "Why do you even care about me?"

Seth paused to think a minute. "You remember when I was four and I broke mom's favorite vase?" he questioned. I nodded and he continued. "I cut my finger and started to cry."

I laughed. "Yeah, I picked you up and told you to stop crying before I gave you something to cry about." I also recalled putting a Band-Aid on his cut and told him that if he ever told anyone that I loved him I'd beat him up. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You remember what happened after you patched me up?" Seth asked. I tried to think back to that day, but I was just too frazzled. I shook my head and Seth explained, "I was so scared that mom was never going to forgive me. But you told me you'd protect me. And that night when she found the vase shoved under the couch she asked who broke it. Before I could open my mouth to cry that I was sorry you told her you did it. You took the blame."

"It's what sisters do." I looked at him and then realized that that was my answer. After all those years of me covering his ass, now _he_ was protecting _me_. Because today was the first day I had ever needed protecting.

As if he were reading my thoughts, he nodded. "It's my turn. Leah, you've been at it for almost twenty years. Take a break."

I closed my eyes and nodded. I felt Seth embrace me again, and this time I hugged him back. I didn't want to let go. Normally I wasn't into this whole "touchy, feely" crap, but somehow Seth was making everything better. He was so much like my dad that I felt like I was holding my father at the moment. And I was terrified to let go.

I heard a voice in the hallway.

"Seth?" It was Billy. "Did you find her?"

"In here, Billy." Seth called out to the hallway.

A few seconds later Billy wheeled in to view. He looked like a beaten man. He had known my father longer than I had. He and Charlie were going to have a tough time as well.

"Sam said I could find you here." Billy looked at us sadly. "The doctor is getting ready to take your mother to…" He swallowed a knot in his throat, "...see him."

Seth nodded and then looked me in the eyes. "You ready?"

I nodded silently and we followed Billy to where Dr. Scott was waiting with my mother.

We had come in at the end of the conversation.

My mom replied to him quietly, "I understand."

I didn't have the strength to ask her _what_ she understood. And frankly, I don't think I could ever understand any of this.

"Okay, if you're all ready I can take you in now."

Seth and I glanced at each other nervously as we followed mom and Dr. Scott. I had to let out a morbid laugh. This was one hell of a family activity. Most families just went bowling or played miniature golf.

As we were walking through the double doors I could feel myself starting to panic again. Seth grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly, and I immediately relaxed. I had to remember that I wasn't alone in this.

My heart was pounding as we walked up next to his bedside. This wasn't as creepy as I thought it was going to be. As we approached his side I saw that he wasn't laid out on a steel operating table like I'd pictured. He was covered delicately on a gurney.

"I don't want you to be alarmed, but his eyes are open." Dr. Scott explained the medical reason of why our eyes stay open when we die. I didn't really listen to him. All I could do was focus on dad's soft eyes. He looked so peaceful. I would have thought seeing him stare back at us would have caused me to run out of the hospital screaming bloody murder, but all I could do was watch my mom sit down in the chair next to him and take his hand.

"Harry…" she whimpered weakly. Seth let go of my hand to comfort our mother. He put his hand on her shoulder. Mom took her free hand and reached across her chest to take Seth's hand. After a second, I joined them.

I have no idea how long we sat with my dad. Time meant nothing to us. I spent more time than I would have liked to in the hospital that day. I marveled at the fact that mom was able to stay so composed. Her willingness to handle the situation so gracefully made me see her in a new light. She was so much stronger than I was. I had reacted much worse when Sam left me.

Sam drove us back home that night. I guess he figured that mom and I were too devastated to drive. So, he thought that sticking an emotional woman behind the wheel was a _bad_ idea? Pansy.

She was doing incredibly well, but I knew that she was dying inside. On the car ride home none of us said anything. The soft rain against the windshield was the only sound we heard.

As Sam pulled in the driveway, he glanced at me and Seth.

"I have to let the pack know what's going on and check on a few things," he said quietly. "But I'll be right back."

I wanted to tell him that we didn't need his help, but I was too worn out to care. I sighed. Maybe we _did_ need his help. I wasn't going to do much good, and Seth couldn't handle everything all alone. As much as a nuisance as Sam was, I couldn't deny that it would be helpful to have him around.

He and Emily were going to come and stay with us for a few nights. I grumbled at the thought of my ex-boyfriend and my cousin boinking under my roof. Then again, I don't know when they would have the time...or the privacy. Our house was going to be chalk-full of guests for the next few days. We were like a regular freaking Days Inn. Charlie and Billy were coming over in the morning to help with funeral arrangements.

I watched Sam disappear into the rain and I heard a low howl a few seconds later.

Mom turned to Seth and me and finally spoke, "I love you both very much." That was the only thing she had to say. She didn't have the strength to say anything else.

Seth and I climbed out of the car. For a moment, mom didn't move from the passenger's seat.

I opened her door.

"Mom? Are you coming?"

"Hmm?" She looked at me, dazed. She shook her head and then climbed out of the car. I could see she wasn't going to hold it together for much longer. She was dragging her feet across our lawn. Seth and I watched her sadly.

He sighed, "I don't think she's fully accepted it yet."

"Have you?" I asked him.

He shook his head and then sighed again, "It hurts too much for me to give in right now," Seth admitted.

I knew exactly what he felt like. The grief was so heavy in my system that as soon as I let it take over, I knew that it was going to be hard for me to overcome. I looked at mom across the yard. It was going to be even harder for her. She stopped at the porch and looked down. A light from inside the house was illuminating something at her feet.

She stood completely still for a moment before she leaned down to the object.

"What is she doing?" Seth was confused.

She crouched down and her legs gave out beneath her. I knew exactly what was going on. I remember the feeling of losing my legs at the hospital.

"She's giving in to her grief."

Mom let out a pained cry that shocked my system. All I could do was stand there helplessly. I didn't know what to do.

Seth did.

He was on the ground next to mom two seconds later. Mom wrapped her arms around his neck and cried out for my dad.

I just stood there like a moron. Mom was hurting and I couldn't do anything about it. And that pissed me off.

"He's…gone!" Those were the only words from my mother's cries that I could make out.

"I know." Seth hugged her. "I'm here, mom. I'm here."

Finally, my legs got the signal from my brain to go over and help my brother. _About damn time, brain,_ I snapped to myself.

I looked over and saw what had set mom off. It was a pair of my dad's shoes. I sighed and helped Seth get her in the house. She calmed down, but didn't stop crying. I knew we were in for a long night. She was trying to work through her pain. And she had a lot of it. I knew that with Seth and I here that she would make it through the night. I just had to hope that she was going to make it through the funeral in two days.


	9. Say Goodbye? Can't someone just shoot me

**Thank you guys for reading and reviewing. As always, it's hard to write sappy, emo stuff.**

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_There's a reason God makes you look so ugly when you're grieving. So people will leave you the hell alone! _

_-Christopher Titus._

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**Chapter 9:**

**Say Goodbye? Can't someone just shoot me instead?**

I hated dressing up for any occasion. The day we were burying my dad was no exception. I had spent most of the past thirty-six hours either hiding in my room or spending time with my mom. I have no idea how she was able to continuously accept people's condolences. It was always weird to see people that we hadn't seen in years show up and offer us some kind of food platter they'd made. Like casseroles and cookies were going to make the pain any better. I almost threw a container of tuna casserole at one of my mother's friends when she'd offered me "comfort" food.

I was just irritable because Sam and Emily were still at my house. I wanted them to leave and never come back. Emily was very kind to Seth and me, and she did a lot to help out around the house. It was weird for Seth when she did the laundry. He was freaking out about our cousin touching his underwear.

Fortunately, Sam wasn't around as much because of our werewolf duties. He had been splitting his time between running as a wolf and helping my mom with arrangements. His generosity bothered me, but only because I didn't like to admit that we needed his help. Luckily I didn't have to see him very much because he was redefining some perimeters with the others.

One of the Cullens had returned and was spending time with Bella. I didn't care because the vampire was keeping Bella off of our land. She'd apparently tried cliff-diving and had almost drowned the day that my dad died. She was such a moron. But since her precious friendly vampire had returned at least I didn't have to see her around here stuttering how sorry she was about my dad. If the bitch tried to offer me her condolences, I might just wig out on her and tear her head off. If she hadn't gotten involved with the vampires in the first place none of this crap would have happened. Hell, maybe dad would still be alive.

His heart wasn't exactly in tip-top shape, but I had a sneaking suspicion that the fact that his two kids were werewolves didn't help the situation. And because vampires existed, werewolves had to exist. Stupid, stupid vampires.

I was drawn back into reality when I heard a knock at the door.

"What are you doing in there, Leah?" Sam questioned.

"I'm worshipping Satan, Sam. Leave me alone." I rolled my eyes.

"You've been in there for quite some time." He sounded concerned.

"Conjuring up the Dark Prince takes time," I snapped back.

"Look, I know that you're going through a tough time right now…" No shit. "...but don't you want to be with your family?"

No. Not really. Dealing with my pain was enough. I don't know if I could handle Seth and mom's heartache as well. I know how incredibly selfish that was, but I was barely holding it together. I didn't like being vulnerable. Every time I had shown weakness in the past, it had brought me nothing but grief. I hated being emotional. Man, being a girl always bit me in the ass.

Sam softened his tone, "You've been in there for three hours. I'm worried about you, Lee-lee."

All the hair on my body stood up when I heard his pet name for me. I let out a low growl. I just wanted Sam to leave. To go back to his stupid perfect life. I mean, yeah, it's great that some people get to live out their little fairytale endings with the perfect partner and the white picket fence. Doesn't mean I had to be happy about the shithole that my life had turned out to be.

"Are you okay in there?" What, was he afraid that I was slitting my wrists or something? Wouldn't solve anything, anyway. I'd probably just heal. The freaking werewolf thing was interfering in my life in every way possible.

I pressed my back against the bathroom door.

"Sam, go away!" I sighed as I let my back slide down the door.

I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I sighed as I rested my head on my knees. Dad's funeral was in a few hours.

"I'm not going to leave you like this." He was jiggling the handle on the door.

I let out an aggravated sigh.

"Relax. I'm not cutting my wrists in here. It'd be too messy." I paused. "Besides, if I want to kill myself I'll just wait for the next blizzard." Crap. That wouldn't work, either. Now that I was a werewolf cold weather didn't bother me.

I heard him huff angrily, "Not funny, Leah."

I wasn't really going to kill myself. I'd made a stupid promise to my brother that I wouldn't hurt him and my family again. I couldn't kill myself, so I was going to have to settle for doing the next best thing: bitch about how crappy my life was, and joke about how I'd almost died a month ago.

"Open the door." Sam continued to freak out.

No one got my morbid sense of humor. It only made me miss my dad more. I think my comment had really freaked Sam out. That made me smile to myself. Making him uncomfortable was fun. He hurt me, so it was my turn to hurt him. Payback's a bitch.

I don't know why he still cared about me. I knew how much he loved Emily. His thoughts conveyed that _all_ of the time. That was another reason I was sitting here on my bathroom floor wanting to curl into a ball and die. I had just started to accept that Sam and Emily were getting married. I figured that I could just grit my teeth as they exchanged vows and then I would never have to see them again. But changing into a werewolf shattered those plans. Now I had to see how much Sam loved her every time I phased. And I knew I was going to be phasing a lot. I had a horrible temper.

"Why? What's the point? I kind of like it in here. Nothing bad ever happens in a bathroom." Unless, of course you're Elvis.

"Won't you please just open the door so I can see that you're okay?"

"You're arguing with me. Isn't that enough?" I questioned.

He finally lost his temper with me. "Why do you make everything so difficult?"

_Nice way to talk to someone who just lost her father, jackass._

I shrugged angrily. "I've been a disappointment since the day I was born. Why should today be any different?" Nothing I ever did in life was good enough. I sucked at everything. I wasn't special enough to keep Sam with me, I was constantly fighting with everyone I knew because I was unhappy, and I was barely functioning without my dad around. Why was there _nothing_ I could do right? I just wasn't good at life.

I could tell Sam felt bad about snapping at me. "It's not your fault," he said. "He had a heart attack. There was nothing you could have done."

"Gee, thanks for the clarification, asshole." I knew that the situation had rendered me helpless. I didn't need Sam telling me that. "Look, we aren't together anymore, Sam. So don't stand out there playing the white knight in shining armor. I don't want your help, and I don't need your sympathy. You left me. You don't get to keep me in your life…" Well, except for when I was a werewolf. "And you sure as hell aren't going to be the shoulder that I cry on. Now take your head out of your ass and listen to me when I say this: Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone."

Five minutes later, Emily was the one at the door.

"Lee? Can I come in?" I grunted. Of course he would sick Emily on me. He knew that I couldn't be a bitch to her.

I knew that I wasn't going to get rid of her, so I begrudgingly opened the door. We glanced at one another and I sighed, "Tell Sam I won't be late to my own father's funeral."

"Sweetie…" She gave me a quick hug. "You don't have to go through this alone."

What if I _wanted_ to go through this alone? I had told everyone time and time again that I wanted to be left alone. Maybe they should have taken the hint that I'd like time to process my father's death by myself. Sometimes people just need to be alone with their feelings.

"Yeah. I know. Thanks." I nodded. _Now why don't you go bake something and get off of my case_? My cousin was one of the lucky few that didn't have to deal with my anger. I had learned to control it around her. And now that I was a wolf, I think that was going to be hugely important. Since I had found out that Sam had been the one that mauled her, I respected her more. She stayed with him because she loved him. She knew he felt badly about the accident. But it still made me sick to my stomach for two reasons. One: because they loved each other _that_ much. And two: to think that Sam had been the one to hurt her and not a bear was a bit intimidating.

I slid back down to the floor and let out a loud sigh. I thought about what might be said at dad's funeral today. I'm sure there would be lots of sappy tender moments. I had to hope that there would be some funny anecdotes as well. Perhaps Billy or Charlie might tell the story of the time that the three of them had gotten drunk while fishing. I don't know whose bright idea it was to see who could last the longest with a fish attached to their lips. When he got home I asked my dad why it looked like someone had injected collagen into his mouth. He had grinned at me sheepishly. Or there was the time that Billy dared Charlie to try the bait. That poor worm. If I had been subjected to living in Charlie Swan's vomit I would have begged for some huge fish to come along and rip me in half. I sighed. My dad was such a big kid. The older I got the more I realized that boys just never grew up.

I started to feel warm. I groaned and laid my cheek on the cool tile floor. Emily watched me curiously.

"What are you doing down there?" she questioned.

I sighed, "Looking for my dignity…" I was able to sit up. "I'm just feeling kind of sick to my stomach," I admitted. I had thrown up the day dad died. I felt like I might do that again right now.

Emily offered me her hand and I stood up. My family was going to get sick of pulling me off of the ground.

"I know a good home remedy for nausea." She led me into the kitchen. Of course she did. How much more perfection could my cousin be hiding? She made up some Godawful shake that smelled like ass, looked like curdled milk, and tasted like the two combined. But believe it or not, it actually worked.

After I was feeling better, she and Sam disappeared to get dressed for the funeral. I was already suited up. It's not like I had anything better to do when I woke up this morning. As I sat at my kitchen table I stared at dad's empty chair.

Mom entered the kitchen and smiled weakly at me. "Out of the bathroom I see."

"Not by choice." I laughed softly.

She sat down at the table and took my hands.

"I told them to leave you alone. I knew you'd come out when you were ready."

If it were up to me I would never have come out of the bathroom. Locking myself away sounded like a sensible thing to do. I couldn't hurt anyone if I was behind a locked door.

My mom interrupted my thoughts, "I'm proud of you and your brother." She made a pained face as she continued, "And your father would be proud, too. You and Seth have been a Godsend these past few days."

My poor mom. I could see that she hadn't been sleeping. I didn't blame her. I really hadn't been sleeping either. And from the lack of snoring in the house I don't think that Seth was faring any better than us.

"How are you holding up, mom?" That was the most generic thing in the world to ask, but my insomniac brain couldn't do any better.

She pat my hands. "I'm okay. It's…difficult. I keep expecting him to walk through the front door. And I miss sharing the bed with him. He hogged the covers." She smiled sadly. "But…I'm just taking it a day at a time. I know I've got you and Seth. And that helps tremendously."

I still didn't understand why my dad was dead, and how I was still alive. By all accounts, I should have been dead a month ago. I _wanted_ to be dead a month ago. My dad loved his life. He loved my mom, and she loved him. And Seth was a great kid with a wonderful life ahead of him. Out of the Clearwater household, if anyone should have died, it should have been me. Why had I been the one spared?

"I wish there was more I could do to help," I admitted. "I just…screw up in every aspect of my life…"

"No, you don't," she disagreed.

"I can't name one thing I've done _right_ in the past year." I glanced at mom. "I wish I could be a better daughter for you instead of this sorry excuse of a disappointment that weeps and whines and cries about how unfair life is." God, I had become Bella Swan. Geeze, I needed to get a hold of myself.

"You are _not_ a disappointment, Leah," Mom said firmly. "Everything that has happened to you has made you a victim of circumstance. But instead of just accepting it, you have the courage to fight back and to question and challenge everything that you don't agree with. Whether you see it or not...you are extraordinary."

I smiled. "I love you, mom." Three words that I had a tough time saying. Not because they weren't true. But because they stung me when I said them. I had spent four years of my life saying that to Sam, and I thought I meant them. But since he'd left me, every time I heard those words all I could think about was the love in my life that I had lost. It's difficult to love someone. Because when you do it hurts so much more when they stop loving you back.

"I love you, too, honey." She slid over to where I was sitting. "More than you'll ever know."

Seth walked in wearing a pair of black pants and a dress shirt. I was wearing the exact same thing. And so was mom. We looked like a bunch of emos. All we needed was to paint our nails black and put on a bunch of overly dramatic eye-shadow.

Seth sat down and sighed, "You both look nice."

I frowned. "Dad would hate it. It's too much black."

Seth smiled. "Yeah, I never understood why he was so fond of the color pink."

"Salmon. He liked salmon. He used to get so mad when I told him his favorite shirt was pink." My mom smiled at the memory of my father.

Seth laughed. "Hey, Leah, do you remember the first time he put that shirt on? You told him he looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol."

"Yeah. And then any time I was sick he would wear the shirt to make me feel better." I loved my dad's humor. And his magical pink shirt worked any time I had an upset stomach.

We laughed as we reminisced. Death has a funny way of making you remember events that you thought were long forgotten. When we ran out of things to talk about we just waited silently for time to pass.

When it was time to leave mom put one of her hands on Seth and the other on me.

"He loved you two more than anything. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, mom." Seth nodded with tears in his eyes. "We know." He shuffled out the front door to take a moment to be alone. Mom and I slowly followed.

At the funeral I did my best not to get too upset. The last thing I wanted to do was lose control of myself and explode in to fur. So I spent most of my time with my eyes closed taking deep relaxing breaths through my nose.

The only time I opened my eyes was when Charlie and Billy were speaking to me. Billy didn't do some stupid heartfelt speech like I thought he might. Instead he told me about how my dad had reacted when he found out that he and mom had a baby girl.

"He was so excited. He couldn't wait to put you in cute little pink outfits and show his baby girl around town." Billy laughed. "Turns out, every time he put pink on you, you screamed bloody murder." So, I'd hated the color pink even as a child. That was interesting to know. Billy put his arm around me. I didn't mind so much being hugged by him. He was like a second father to me. "He was a good man, Leah. And he did a hell of a job raising you and Seth."

"Thanks, Billy."

"Look, kid, I'm right down the road. You can always come to me."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Billy went along to mingle with the rest of the mourners and Charlie approached me quietly.

"I'm so sorry about your dad."

"Me, too." I'd heard this speech a million times now. It was always the same. And it always ended with the same pathetic look that everyone gave my family. Pity. I hated pity.

"He was a great guy. I'm gonna miss him like hell," he sighed. "I knew him for a long time." He nodded. "And I know it might not mean much...but I want you to know that if you or your mom or Seth ever needs anything…" He trailed off. "Well, you know, you've probably heard it a thousand times today."

I looked at Charlie, waiting for the look of pity to wash across his face. But it never did. He just smiled softly at me. The look that he gave me was one of sympathy. He knew what I was going through. He, Billy, and my dad had been like brothers. I know how much I would be hurting if I'd lost Seth. Charlie genuinely cared about my family. He was a pretty good guy. I felt bad for him because his daughter was a complete lunatic.

I really wished that Charlie had hung around with me longer, because as soon as he walked off a dozen other people crowded me, all whimpering and sighing their apologies. I couldn't wait for the funeral to be over.

The gathering after the funeral wasn't much better. There were too many people around and it made me uncomfortable. Strangers were hugging me and telling me how sorry they were. After a while, I decided that I was going to hide out on my back porch. I sat down at the top step and sighed.

I hadn't slowed down to think about much these past few days. I was just trying to keep my attention diverted elsewhere. But sitting here in the silence of the evening I realized how alone I felt. I closed my eyes as a gentle breeze blew. The cool air felt good on my face.

I thought about the last conversation I'd had with dad. Did he know how much I loved him? Had I said it enough? Had he ever forgiven me for the past year of me being such a hateful little shit?

If I closed my eyes tight enough I could still smell his scent. I could hear his voice. My hands were shaking in frustration. Why did it have to be _my_ dad? Why did this have to happen to _my_ family?

"Why did you have to die?" I don't know who I thought I was talking to. "You said you'd always be there for me, dad." I huffed. "How am I supposed to get through my life without you?" I shivered as tears filled my eyes. "I miss you." God, did I miss him.

My hands were vibrating wildly now. I was just so angry. And I hated him so much for dying and leaving us alone. I knew that I shouldn't hate him for that. It made me feel incredibly guilty. It's not like he'd woken up that morning going, "Hmmm, I think maybe I'll have a heart attack and die today." Still, I cared so much about my dad that I knew it was okay for me to hate him. Because that hate came from love.

I looked inside the crowded house and grunted. I didn't want to go back in there. Every freaking person in town was squeezed into my tiny little living room. I thought about where else I could go, or what else I could do. Maybe I could run my frustrations out. I pictured myself flying on two feet. Then I remembered that I had four.

I bet right now would be a good time to phase, just to get away. Everyone I knew was here. Sam was here. Embry and Quil were with my brother. I think I had even seen Jared running around the house somewhere. That only left Paul and Jacob.

I stood up. I'd rather take my chances with Jacob and Paul being wolves than to sit around here feeling sorry for myself all night. I couldn't start to cry again. Because I would never stop. I walked away from the house. I was thankful that everyone was indoors and not out here with me. Streaking into a crowd of mourners probably wouldn't be a good idea. I could just hear someone saying, "Yep, that's Harry Clearwater's little girl...all grown up...he'd be so proud..."

When I got into the woods I threw off my clothes. I closed my eyes to concentrate. This would be the first time I was phasing into a wolf on _purpose._ The change was much different than when it was some forced reaction of my emotion.

I could feel one other wolf. It was Jacob. Thank God. I would take Jacob over Paul any day. He was the lesser of two evils. Jacob was lost in thought. It was hard for me to tell, but I think he was upset about something.

_What are you crying about_? I leaped into the forest in a run.

_Leah?_ He slowed his pace. He was very surprised at my presence.

_Yeah. For once I didn't grow fur because of my temper. I needed to get away for a while._ I shrugged.

_And so you came to spend time with me. I'm so thrilled,_ he said sarcastically.

I let out a wolfy grin. I was thankful that Jacob wasn't treating me any differently. At least I could count on him for consistency.

_Listening to you whine about your problems is better than dealing with mine._ I answered honestly.

He grumbled something about stupid leeches and then let out a sigh, _I don't know if you want to be in my head right now, Leah. There's a lot going on._ He whimpered about having some open wound in his heart. Sissy.

_Aw, do you want me to kiss it and make it better?_ I joked. He didn't respond. Whatever had happened had him really distressed. _What's going on that has you so upset? Did you find out that the tooth fairy isn't real?_

_It's those stupid leeches._

_The tooth fairy is a vampire?_ I didn't miss a beat.

_Those rotten bloodsuckers ruin everything._ Jacob complained. _Bella is running off to save her precious vampire boyfriend. Fucking dick._

_I thought Bella and Edward broke up._ I shrugged. _And also…he's a vampire. What could he possibly need to be saved from? Garlic? Van Helsing?_

_No. He went Italy. Supposedly there's this group of old fart vampires that can rip apart their own kind in a matter of seconds._

_Sounds like Heaven._ I laughed.

_Apparently, Bella's "boyfriend..."_ he sneered, ..._wants to kill himself._

_He should have just come over here. I would have done it._ I had a lot of anger I needed to work out. Plus, I needed to practice this whole "slaying" vampires thing.

_You and me both,_ Jacob said. _But Bella loves him…_

_So?_

_Killing him would hurt her. And I don't want to hurt her._ He paused. _Although, she has no problem hurting me._

_What are you talking about?_

_She's going after him. And she might get killed in the process._

If she was stupid enough to go into a city of vampires the bitch deserved to die. Thankfully, Jacob didn't hear that thought. He was so caught up in crying about losing his beloved Bella.

_I begged her not to go. I told her to stay here…for me. _

Of course she wouldn't. She was a selfish brat. She rarely thought of anyone other than herself. And I knew this about her after spending all of two minutes with her.

_I thought she would stay. But she's on a plane with the psychic vampire…who apparently can see what the leech is doing. He keeps changing his mind and doing things differently._

And now this was getting way to complex for me to care about. I stopped Jacob from telling the rest of his story. _Eh, too complicated_. I changed my mind. I didn't want to hear about this. _And I don't really care._

Jacob sighed, _Why is life always so complicated?_ He frowned._ My day sucks._

_We buried my dad today._ I reminded him that he wasn't the only one with problems.

It was silent for a minute, then he responded. _You win._ He paused. I laughed and then he continued, _The funeral was nice. I wanted to stay longer, but Sam wanted someone running._ That explained why I had only seen Jacob with Billy for about a fraction of a second. I just figured he couldn't handle all of those emotional people in one place. I knew I would have bolted, too...if I could have.

_You didn't miss much. A lot of sobbing, a couple of whimpers, and a few drunken cries._

We ran in silence for a few minutes, and then Jacob let out a huff, _I know you're tired of hearing it, but I really am sorry about your dad._

_Thanks. And I'm sorry your little girlfriend left you._

_No you're not._ Jacob laughed. No, I really wasn't. _But thanks, anyway._

_God, what a pair of pathetic whiny losers we are._ I laughed. I was beyond thrilled that Jacob was treating me the way he had _always_ treated me: like crap. I needed some normalcy at the moment. _What are we going to do now?_

Jacob thought for a moment. _I don't know about you, but I'm going to take all my aggression out on this crazy redheaded vampire that keeps showing her pale-ass face in town._

_That sounds good to me._ I increased my speed. This whole "running as a wolf" thing felt pretty good. Maybe this wasn't so horrible after all. At least now I got to kill something. That would help my pain.

I guess for now I was just going to have to focus on ripping apart vampires, and maybe that would be enough to keep me from remembering how horrible my life had turned out.

Yes, I decided. It was the vampires fault. They needed to _die._

The End

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**A/N: Hope the combining of the one-shot and the rest of the story wasn't too confusing to anyone. I appreciate everyone who read/reviewed. I should have gotten my lazy ass back to edit this story months ago. Better late than never I guess. Happy holidays, everyone. :-)**_  
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	10. Author's Note

**A/N:**

Ah, fanfiction, the first time I was able to get my chicken ass to show my writing to others. First of all, I just want to tell all you wonderful readers and reviewers thank you for giving my writing a chance. I have always been a writer. I'm pretty sure I came out of my mother with a pad and a crayon. Over the years I traded my crayons in for pencils, and then keyboards as my writing grew. I was always protective of my stories. Too protective. Fortunately, the two friends I showed my writing to encouraged me to get it out there. I was still too nervous, so my Twilight-centric friend inspired me to write about Twilight, thinking it would loosen me up (Side note: It MORE than loosened me up!). I was like, "Sure, okay," with a giant grin on my face. She had no clue I was going to parody her Godlike vampires. Plus, I knew she was right about me loosening up a little bit. I thought, "What's more fun than fanfiction? Sure, you've never written fanfiction in your entire life. You don't even know what fanfiction is. Maybe you should do a little research about it. Nah, research is too much damn work. Just wing it. Oh, wings. I like wings. Wait, what was I thinking about again?"

Turns out that mocking Stephenie Meyer's book by writing, "The Dawn Was Already Broken" and then "Leah's Sunrise" was one of the best decisions of my life, because it made me realize that people actually liked reading my writing. To be completely honest I was convinced that maybe three people would read my story. Low and behold, I had a few more than three hits. And because of your encouraging, and sometimes not so encouraging reviews, I was able to get over my fear of putting my writing in public. So I wanted to thank each and every one of you for giving me the balls to publish my own novel.

Yes, here begins the self-promotion. I started on a story ten years ago titled, "The Barking Mad Tale of a Teenage Werewolf" (I know, what's my thing with werewolves, right?). The story turned into a series of novels, the first of which I have officially published as an ebook (sadly, it seems as if the paperback and hardback days are slowly dying. Borders closing their store doors. Barnes and Noble, I'm sure is not far behind). But the world of online writing is thriving! "The Barking Mad Tale of a Teenage Werewolf, Book one: An American Werewolf in Idaho" is now for sale on Amazon in the Kindle book store as well as a paperback.

If you liked my fanfiction I hope you will take a look at the first two novels in my series: **The Barking Mad Tale of a Teenage Werewolf**

**Book one: An American Werewolf in Idaho**

**Book two: A Tale of Two Shih Tzus  
**

I promise unforgettable characters, a lot of laughter, and hell of a storyline. The series is based around wise-cracking werewolves, non-sparkling vampires, a dash of love, and a journey of self-discovery.

_Being a teenager is hard. It's even harder when you're part wolf. Cassie Hill has always had trouble fitting in. She's not smart enough to be in the book club, not emo enough to be in the goth club, and not glamorous enough to be in the girls with 'tudes club. But when she starts waking up in the middle of the woods with little memory of how she got there she learns she belongs to a club many people don't know about._

_She discovers a world filled with secrets, corruption, and a wacky pack of werewolves who spend their time playing dare or dare, placing ridiculous bets, and fighting crime. But she also discovers that being a werewolf isn't all fun and games. In between the laughter and fun she and her family stay busy protecting the town and investigating suspicious murders. Just when Cassie thinks she has her life balanced a new boy moves to town. She is instantly smitten with him, but when she gets to know him she finds out he is harboring secrets of his own. She wants to believe the best in him, so the internal battle between her intuition and her heart clash. She digs for answers about him, but the more she digs the more she discovers about her past. It is only a matter of time before the lies in her life start to unravel. Nothing in her world is as it seems. Can she find the courage to follow her heart?_

You can check it out on Amazon, and check out some sneak peeks on Facebook under the name Katella Stegmann (or like me on Face book). It's Facebook/AnAmericanWerewolfinIdaho. I also have a preview of the book on this very site.

If you like it, tell your buddies!

Thank you guys again for all of your listening skills!


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